Entry for June 26, 2008 - "What Do You Want?"

So, I met with my friend, who felt that I needed some short-term counseling, which I agreed with. She was going to take some time to pray and seek out who that should be, then let me know. In the meantime, God was still working on my heart.

I had been praying this whole time for God's will to be done, for reality and clarity for all involved. The morning after this meeting, I was in the shower, praying the same way I had all along, when I very clearly heard God's voice.

"What do you want?"

My not-so-spiritual response (with a nervous laugh): "What? You know what I want."

Not good enough. His reply to my heart was, "What do you want? I want you to tell Me what you want, and I want you to speak it out loud, right now."

Okay, I thought, and after only a moment's pause, I did. "God, I want my baby! I want this relationship to be restored. I want reality and clarity for (people involved). And, I want (people involved) to come to salvation." This is how I began to pray daily.

A few days later, I had a name, and I scheduled my first meeting with the young woman whom I would meet with for the next four weeks. The first week, I talked about what I felt God had been showing me in this situation, how He had confirmed it through other people, and that I felt he was telling me to wait, but I didn't know what that meant. I also talked about how I desperately wanted closure, but felt God was saying He wasn’t done yet in this situation. I also talked about how my grief was affecting my relationships with my other children and even my husband. I also shared how frustrating this situation was for me in that normally, God showed me somehow what he was doing in a situation, in me or other people involved, but He seemed to be silent this time, and I felt I was in a crisis of faith.

The night before our meeting a week later, I lay in bed, the stabbing grief fresh in my heart once again. Angry, I cried out to God, "What do you have for me in this?" Then, with a sudden, split-second stab of conviction, I immediately changed my pray. "Or, God, what do you WANT FROM me?"

The next day, I had my answer.