Entry for June 16, 2008 - A Crisis of Faith

God gave me the verses I wrote earlier, Psalm 27:13 & 14, towards the end of March. I felt "WAIT" was what he had for me, but I had no idea what that meant. I desperately wanted closure and to be able to move on with my life, but I did not feel released to do that yet.

The first weekend in April was our youth groups' annual Stockholder's Banquet, their biggest fundraiser. Basically, anyone interested commits to buy shares of stock in the youth group, investing in their lives. The students hold a dinner for the "stockholders." We attend this event every year. This year was the last one for our youth pastor of nearly 10 years. He and his family were recently appointed District Youth Directors and moved to Billings. That night at the banquet, he talked about how he had recently gone through a crisis of faith concerning what he believed God had put on his heart, and he mentioned Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." This really resonated with me, as that was what I was personally experiencing. I had felt so sure that this baby was what God had for us at this time. After adopting three older children, I had joked with God that if He had a baby in mind for us, then a birthmom would have to approach us about adoption, as I did not feel we were to pursue adoption of an infant at this time. That was exactly what had happened, others had confirmed this, and I had stepped out in faith, knowing it could fall through, but believing God wanted me to do just that, to step out in faith anyway and prepare for my son. Now, I doubted my own faith and whether I had actually really heard from God in this.

I had begun to feel I had come to that place of closure and being able to move on, but I really struggled all over again that week with my own grief over this loss. I also begin to resent my older kids, not because I don't love them so much my heart hurts, but because I had missed the infancy stages in their lives. I guess I was grieving that loss, too, in a way, while grieving this little baby - all the years I missed with them. I desperately wanted the personal experience of raising a baby from the beginning, of knowing a child from the moment of birth. It seemed God had promised to fulfill that desire at this point in my life, only to take it away. I knew I needed some help during this time of grieving, so I did something that was very difficult for me to do - I called someone for help. I called a good friend of mine who leads a lay counseling ministry through our church and set up an appointment. That was the very beginning of God's healing of my heart and maturing of my faith once again.