We go through different seasons of life. Friends change, relationships change. And sometimes, that old stuff that you think you have worked through pops back up.
It's been a hard weekend. Finding out my brother was arrested in connection with an alleged casino robbery was hard enough, not to mention completely shocking. But, then, to come under criticism from another family member over how I responded...No, I have not had a relationship with him for the past several years, although I have tried. It's hard to have a relationship with somebody who doesn't want one with you, especially when there are so many perceived hurts and misunderstandings, so many lies. But, he is still my brother, and I still care about him very much. I have never stopped praying for him, have never treated him any differently than I ever have. The only thing I have done differently is set some boundaries in the beginning, when my first two kids came home, to protect them. This was over five years ago, and since then the boundaries I originally set have not been an issue. My kids love him, have as much of a relationship as can be expected with someone they do not see often.
However, now I have come under criticism for setting those boundaries in the first place, because maybe there was more I could have done in this relationship, and maybe it was perceived as rejection. I feel I have done what I can, and I feel like my children, rightfully, come before my relationships with my siblings, however that may have been perceived in the past. We felt we did what we needed to at the time as parents. We had to set some boundaries in the beginning, until the kids were in a place where they could understand. Too many factors - different culture, language, the isolation of living in orphanages in other countries - played into that decision, and we didn't want them to be afraid of something we could not explain at first. Not an issue anymore, but suddenly, after all this time, somebody has made it one.
Add to that last week's events, and coming under attack for acknowledging that it was my brother in custody and in the news. This was not a judgment or admission of guilt or anything on my part, but I feel as if it has been perceived that way. I feel as if I came under criticism for seeking prayer and support from my friends, that I am not allowed to talk about it or share anything about it. Unfair, irrational, and just plain mean!
The final straw, it seems, are the feelings of criticism from a friend - about my house, how I run my household, how I parent my kids, how I'm too "psychological" when I talk about my kids and this just doesn't seem normal to this person. Ugh, I just can't seem to win! We are just in very different places right now, and in my efforts to try to be understood, the opposite has happened. This person just cannot understand this perspective, and seems to think I am the only person in the world who sees things from this "psychological" perspective. Never mind that that has been my reality with my children, children who have come from backgrounds of abuse, neglect, extreme poverty, as it has been with many other families we know. When it is outside the realm of somebody else's understanding, there is not much that can be done to make them understand, so human nature is to run to the people who do.
I guess all this is just a summary of where I am at right now. I feel misunderstood, disrespected, and not taken seriously. I feel vulnerable and a little lost. Thank God that He understands all, knows all, loves all, accepts all! I know He is still my Source, my Strength, my Understanding, my Peace. I can take my doubts in the midst of these criticisms to Him. I can ask Him to show me where I have been wrong. I know He will show me the areas I need to repent of. And I also know he will show me where I am blameless.
I will not take offense, and I will not take others' offense towards me personally. As long as I am walking in God's will, He will be my Defender and I will be blameless in His eyes.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
What's next?
Well, the situation I wrote about previously is not to be. It was heartbreaking, as I have met these children before and had really hoped that they could be mine. They are still so strongly on my heart! But, I know that God loves them more than any of us ever could, and He has the perfect plan for them.
So, now we move on to seeking what God has in store for our family next.
So, now we move on to seeking what God has in store for our family next.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wondering, Waiting, Listening
God has put some children on my heart that I feel are to be my children, the next to join our family. Unfortunately, we are not at the top of the list for taking these beautiful kids in, as we do not meet all the criteria the decision makers are wanting for a family for these children.
I know that if this is what God has for our family, if these children are to be mine, He can change the hearts and minds of these decision makers.
In the meantime, I pray for them, wondering what will come of this situation; waiting to see God's hand at work once again, listening for what He has for me in this.
The outcome, no matter which way it goes, is in His hands.
I know that if this is what God has for our family, if these children are to be mine, He can change the hearts and minds of these decision makers.
In the meantime, I pray for them, wondering what will come of this situation; waiting to see God's hand at work once again, listening for what He has for me in this.
The outcome, no matter which way it goes, is in His hands.
Entry for December 17, 2008 - "Quit Trying to Figure It Out"
I met with my lay counselor again the next morning. A few days before this meeting, out youth pastor and his wife spoke at church. This was their last day. They spoke again of a crisis of faith and hope deferred. In summary, our youth pastor's wife spoke of how the last few years of their lives God had put her through an olive press. She illustrated how like an olive in the press that you squeeze to get only a little bit of oil, God had been "squeezing" her. It takes pressing many olives to get the olive oil, and it had taken many years for God to bring about the "olive oil" of her life, so to speak. The pressing and squeezing can be very painful. They were now seeing the fulfilling of God promises and visions in their lives. I remember sitting in the back of the church silently weeping. This is where I was in my life in the situation I was in. I felt like God was squeezing me and squeezing me, but there was so little coming out, and I did not know where He was taking me next. My heart was breaking all over again.
This time when I met with my lay counselor, I shared this with her, and that I felt maybe God wanted something from me, instead of having something for me. As I was getting ready to leave her house that morning, she said that she had a word for me from God. She said maybe God wanted me to quit trying to figure it out.
I laughed, and she responded that this must have struck a cord with me. I confirmed that it did. I had spent the last several weeks trying to figure out what I could have done differently, how the situation could have been avoided, and on and on. God wanted me to quit doing that, to just rest in Him.
So, for the first time in two months, I returned home with a sense of peace I had not felt before. Every time I started trying to figure it out, I would stop myself, give it back to God, and make a conscious, yet difficult, effort to move on. Three days later, the day before Mother's Day, I was at finally at peace.
I awoke that morning feeling like I could finally move on in my life. I still did not know what God had meant by wait, but I could finally rest in His peace, knowing that He had all the answers, and I could still trust Him with my life and my broken heart. I was ready to pack away the baby things and start my life anew, so to speak.
And then the call came unexpectedly. On the other end of the line was a voice I had not heard for two months. "Can you come get him? I can't do this." I could go into all the details of what happened next, the trip to her home to pick him up, the conversations that pursued, but it all ended with the answer to what God meant when he said to wait.
It was the day before Mother's Day, and I had my baby boy in my arms at last. He was almost two months old, but ironically it was the week of his due date. She signed the papers four days later, and it was done.
God fulfilled His promise in this, at just the moment He had always intended to fulfill it. And He had done some work in me that has left me forever changed in my faith and how I see things, and how I hear from Him.
We had a few more ups and downs in our relationship with birthmom before we were able to get to a place of reconciliation, but at this point that relationship has been healed in ways I could not have imagined. I can only give credit for that to God.
In the end, He did what He said, not in the way I expected, but in the way He needed to for me to grow. I could not have written this chapter in my life so well.
Don't we serve an awesome God?
This time when I met with my lay counselor, I shared this with her, and that I felt maybe God wanted something from me, instead of having something for me. As I was getting ready to leave her house that morning, she said that she had a word for me from God. She said maybe God wanted me to quit trying to figure it out.
I laughed, and she responded that this must have struck a cord with me. I confirmed that it did. I had spent the last several weeks trying to figure out what I could have done differently, how the situation could have been avoided, and on and on. God wanted me to quit doing that, to just rest in Him.
So, for the first time in two months, I returned home with a sense of peace I had not felt before. Every time I started trying to figure it out, I would stop myself, give it back to God, and make a conscious, yet difficult, effort to move on. Three days later, the day before Mother's Day, I was at finally at peace.
I awoke that morning feeling like I could finally move on in my life. I still did not know what God had meant by wait, but I could finally rest in His peace, knowing that He had all the answers, and I could still trust Him with my life and my broken heart. I was ready to pack away the baby things and start my life anew, so to speak.
And then the call came unexpectedly. On the other end of the line was a voice I had not heard for two months. "Can you come get him? I can't do this." I could go into all the details of what happened next, the trip to her home to pick him up, the conversations that pursued, but it all ended with the answer to what God meant when he said to wait.
It was the day before Mother's Day, and I had my baby boy in my arms at last. He was almost two months old, but ironically it was the week of his due date. She signed the papers four days later, and it was done.
God fulfilled His promise in this, at just the moment He had always intended to fulfill it. And He had done some work in me that has left me forever changed in my faith and how I see things, and how I hear from Him.
We had a few more ups and downs in our relationship with birthmom before we were able to get to a place of reconciliation, but at this point that relationship has been healed in ways I could not have imagined. I can only give credit for that to God.
In the end, He did what He said, not in the way I expected, but in the way He needed to for me to grow. I could not have written this chapter in my life so well.
Don't we serve an awesome God?
Entry for June 26, 2008 - "What Do You Want?"
So, I met with my friend, who felt that I needed some short-term counseling, which I agreed with. She was going to take some time to pray and seek out who that should be, then let me know. In the meantime, God was still working on my heart.
I had been praying this whole time for God's will to be done, for reality and clarity for all involved. The morning after this meeting, I was in the shower, praying the same way I had all along, when I very clearly heard God's voice.
"What do you want?"
My not-so-spiritual response (with a nervous laugh): "What? You know what I want."
Not good enough. His reply to my heart was, "What do you want? I want you to tell Me what you want, and I want you to speak it out loud, right now."
Okay, I thought, and after only a moment's pause, I did. "God, I want my baby! I want this relationship to be restored. I want reality and clarity for (people involved). And, I want (people involved) to come to salvation." This is how I began to pray daily.
A few days later, I had a name, and I scheduled my first meeting with the young woman whom I would meet with for the next four weeks. The first week, I talked about what I felt God had been showing me in this situation, how He had confirmed it through other people, and that I felt he was telling me to wait, but I didn't know what that meant. I also talked about how I desperately wanted closure, but felt God was saying He wasn’t done yet in this situation. I also talked about how my grief was affecting my relationships with my other children and even my husband. I also shared how frustrating this situation was for me in that normally, God showed me somehow what he was doing in a situation, in me or other people involved, but He seemed to be silent this time, and I felt I was in a crisis of faith.
The night before our meeting a week later, I lay in bed, the stabbing grief fresh in my heart once again. Angry, I cried out to God, "What do you have for me in this?" Then, with a sudden, split-second stab of conviction, I immediately changed my pray. "Or, God, what do you WANT FROM me?"
The next day, I had my answer.
I had been praying this whole time for God's will to be done, for reality and clarity for all involved. The morning after this meeting, I was in the shower, praying the same way I had all along, when I very clearly heard God's voice.
"What do you want?"
My not-so-spiritual response (with a nervous laugh): "What? You know what I want."
Not good enough. His reply to my heart was, "What do you want? I want you to tell Me what you want, and I want you to speak it out loud, right now."
Okay, I thought, and after only a moment's pause, I did. "God, I want my baby! I want this relationship to be restored. I want reality and clarity for (people involved). And, I want (people involved) to come to salvation." This is how I began to pray daily.
A few days later, I had a name, and I scheduled my first meeting with the young woman whom I would meet with for the next four weeks. The first week, I talked about what I felt God had been showing me in this situation, how He had confirmed it through other people, and that I felt he was telling me to wait, but I didn't know what that meant. I also talked about how I desperately wanted closure, but felt God was saying He wasn’t done yet in this situation. I also talked about how my grief was affecting my relationships with my other children and even my husband. I also shared how frustrating this situation was for me in that normally, God showed me somehow what he was doing in a situation, in me or other people involved, but He seemed to be silent this time, and I felt I was in a crisis of faith.
The night before our meeting a week later, I lay in bed, the stabbing grief fresh in my heart once again. Angry, I cried out to God, "What do you have for me in this?" Then, with a sudden, split-second stab of conviction, I immediately changed my pray. "Or, God, what do you WANT FROM me?"
The next day, I had my answer.
Entry for June 16, 2008 - A Crisis of Faith
God gave me the verses I wrote earlier, Psalm 27:13 & 14, towards the end of March. I felt "WAIT" was what he had for me, but I had no idea what that meant. I desperately wanted closure and to be able to move on with my life, but I did not feel released to do that yet.
The first weekend in April was our youth groups' annual Stockholder's Banquet, their biggest fundraiser. Basically, anyone interested commits to buy shares of stock in the youth group, investing in their lives. The students hold a dinner for the "stockholders." We attend this event every year. This year was the last one for our youth pastor of nearly 10 years. He and his family were recently appointed District Youth Directors and moved to Billings. That night at the banquet, he talked about how he had recently gone through a crisis of faith concerning what he believed God had put on his heart, and he mentioned Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." This really resonated with me, as that was what I was personally experiencing. I had felt so sure that this baby was what God had for us at this time. After adopting three older children, I had joked with God that if He had a baby in mind for us, then a birthmom would have to approach us about adoption, as I did not feel we were to pursue adoption of an infant at this time. That was exactly what had happened, others had confirmed this, and I had stepped out in faith, knowing it could fall through, but believing God wanted me to do just that, to step out in faith anyway and prepare for my son. Now, I doubted my own faith and whether I had actually really heard from God in this.
I had begun to feel I had come to that place of closure and being able to move on, but I really struggled all over again that week with my own grief over this loss. I also begin to resent my older kids, not because I don't love them so much my heart hurts, but because I had missed the infancy stages in their lives. I guess I was grieving that loss, too, in a way, while grieving this little baby - all the years I missed with them. I desperately wanted the personal experience of raising a baby from the beginning, of knowing a child from the moment of birth. It seemed God had promised to fulfill that desire at this point in my life, only to take it away. I knew I needed some help during this time of grieving, so I did something that was very difficult for me to do - I called someone for help. I called a good friend of mine who leads a lay counseling ministry through our church and set up an appointment. That was the very beginning of God's healing of my heart and maturing of my faith once again.
The first weekend in April was our youth groups' annual Stockholder's Banquet, their biggest fundraiser. Basically, anyone interested commits to buy shares of stock in the youth group, investing in their lives. The students hold a dinner for the "stockholders." We attend this event every year. This year was the last one for our youth pastor of nearly 10 years. He and his family were recently appointed District Youth Directors and moved to Billings. That night at the banquet, he talked about how he had recently gone through a crisis of faith concerning what he believed God had put on his heart, and he mentioned Proverbs 13:12: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." This really resonated with me, as that was what I was personally experiencing. I had felt so sure that this baby was what God had for us at this time. After adopting three older children, I had joked with God that if He had a baby in mind for us, then a birthmom would have to approach us about adoption, as I did not feel we were to pursue adoption of an infant at this time. That was exactly what had happened, others had confirmed this, and I had stepped out in faith, knowing it could fall through, but believing God wanted me to do just that, to step out in faith anyway and prepare for my son. Now, I doubted my own faith and whether I had actually really heard from God in this.
I had begun to feel I had come to that place of closure and being able to move on, but I really struggled all over again that week with my own grief over this loss. I also begin to resent my older kids, not because I don't love them so much my heart hurts, but because I had missed the infancy stages in their lives. I guess I was grieving that loss, too, in a way, while grieving this little baby - all the years I missed with them. I desperately wanted the personal experience of raising a baby from the beginning, of knowing a child from the moment of birth. It seemed God had promised to fulfill that desire at this point in my life, only to take it away. I knew I needed some help during this time of grieving, so I did something that was very difficult for me to do - I called someone for help. I called a good friend of mine who leads a lay counseling ministry through our church and set up an appointment. That was the very beginning of God's healing of my heart and maturing of my faith once again.
Entry for June 16, 2008 - Baby Bug
The waiting was worth it! In God's timing, and in His way, he did bring our little baby boy into our lives. And His timing couldn't have been more perfect! Timothy Isaiah joined our family the day before Mother's Day. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect present!
So much has happened in the last three months in my life. God has been working, and he did bring this about. It has turned out to truly be a miracle that the papers were signed and he is ours. I can't tell the whole story in just one blog entry, but I will start tonight from where I left off previously in this blog.
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