Secrets No More

If you are getting ready to read this post, I will warn you right now that it is messy.  It is open, honest, blunt, and incredibly messy.  I (with the encouragement of my husband and friends) have vowed to be honest about this from now on.  This is part of the continued healing process for me.  This is something I need to do.  I figure I am already hated by my family, so posting this isn't going to do much more damage for me.  It will only help me and my husband to move on.  So here it is, in all its brutal honestly and its messiness.  I apologize if you don't like it, don't agree with it, or are hurt by it, but sometimes the truth is not easy to hear. 

My mother meant a lot to many people in her life.  What most do not know is the last few years of her life, she was an angry, bitter, broken woman.  She spread a lot of poison among her children and caused hurt feelings and damage.

But, I’m not supposed to talk about it.

I was regularly told I would be the last one married, that I was unstable, that I was too messed up to really accomplish much in my life.  She told my siblings and others these same things about me.

But, I'm supposed to keep it a secret.  I'm being disloyal if I talk about it.  I'm speaking ill of the dead.

I spent many months in counseling dealing with not only my own abusive dating relationships and childhood sexual abuse, but trying to deal with the rocky relationship with my mother.  She forbade me to "talk about our issues" with my therapist.  I did anyway.

But, I'm not supposed to "air our dirty laundry" to others. 

Many of her words were hurtful, devastating, and cold.  They bordered on verbal and emotional abuse.  Her husband didn't live up to her expectations, I didn't live up to her expectations, and she turned to her children who did as her confidants and closest friends. 

But, she was perfect, and I shouldn't say negative things about her.

She almost destroyed my wedding because of the way she tried to make it, and many things in her life, about her.  I stood up to her and refused to allow her to destroy my special day, told her it was going to happen whether she was there or not.

But, I’m supposed to just be grateful for everything she did, and be happy that she "put aside her hurt feelings" to be there for me. 

After she died, my siblings and certain of my mother's sisters took over the, for lack of a better word, verbal and emotional abuse.  I no longer struggled with the issues of my past abuse and the mistakes I had made in dating abusive men.  I was in a solid marriage with a Godly man (still am), working a steady job, and honestly doing well.  But, I remained the brunt of the family jokes.  In this family, you stay cutting, hurtful things in a joking manner, and when the recipient of such remarks mentions that they are hurtful and inappropriate, then they "just can't take a joke."  So I quit saying anything, learning to ignore the jokes about me, my looks, my marriage, my job, my home, anything and everything they could think of. 

When we became parents, the jokes and rude and inappropriate comments didn't stop there.  Now they had a new topic to make fun of, my parenting.  Behind my back, there were stories made up based on little, insignificant bits of information that are blown completely out of proportion.  These stories are completely false, not once has anybody come to me to find out the truth, but they use these stories to back their belief that I am a horrible mother and generally an awful human being.

But, they are family, and family is everything, and I'm supposed to just accept it and be loyal, no matter what.

My siblings are struggling with their own demons.  The unhealthiness of our family dynamics are so glaringly apparent to outsiders, and more and more to me as the healthy people in my life, my husband included, point out to me how abnormal and unhealthy the dynamics really are.  So, I have set boundaries, with my husband's backing and support, to protect myself and my children.  They use this as another example of how unstable and horrible I am.

Because I’m selfish after all, and that twisted sense of family loyalty is supposed to come first, and is supposed to turn a blind eye on all else. 

This past summer, despite everything, we tried to help.  It ended very badly.  Actions were taken that could have brought my children to harm.  There was suspected illegal activity in front of our house (but, it wasn't actually ON our property, so that was supposed to make everything okay).  There was a refusal to accept responsibility for their own lives and circumstances and decisions (not something new, but we were now in the middle of it).  There was evidence that reconciliation was not what was wanted, only a desire to continue to be angry and place blame and accuse.  My children were reacting to the weirdness and the underlying tensions, and we set boundaries again, asking them to leave and not come near our property or our children. 

I broke the unspoken oath of loyalty.  Look past lies, dishonesty, and unhealthiness and remain loyal at all costs.  Even at the expense of my children.

The response was a call to Child Protective Services with completely false and untrue allegations about supposed abuse of my teenage daughter (not my preschooler, and not accusing Dave, just me).  The clincher - this latest episode of abuse supposedly took place during the week my daughter was at church camp.  She wasn't even home!  Needless to say, the social worker didn't really believe a word of the story (she had to follow it up anyway), there was nothing and nobody to back it, and when she realized she had stepped into the middle of a family mess, she was not very happy.  We had names and phone numbers of professionals who have worked with our children and our family over the years who would back us.  While she could not tell us who made the call, just based on the report and the specific words and phrases used (they do have to read the allegations), we knew without a doubt who it was (we have heard many of those words and phrases numerous times over the past few years, and the other ones were directly from a PRIVATE conversation we had had with one of my siblings recently, words that had been twisted and taken back to others in an attempt to hurt us).

But, I am horrible for even talking about this, and I should be loyal, no matter what.  I should put aside all the lies, unhealthiness, dysfunction, and legal issues, and be loyal.  Period.  Cause they're family, and being loyal is all that matters. 

We are done.  No longer will my husband and I put up with any of this.  No longer will we sit back and allow twisted, untrue, hateful, hurtful words to be spoken over us or about us or our children.  Nor will we continue to pretend that we are such a close, tight family with my siblings.  That is a lie, and we are done wasting time on relationships and people that do not like me, want to bring us harm, and have proven they will stop at no lengths to harm our children.  The hatred for me goes so deep that they are honestly convinced I am manipulative and have even professionals fooled, that they are the only ones who know the "truth" about me. 

Before anybody thinks any of this is my imagination or I am being overly sensitive, there are several people, including my husband, who have watched this over the years from the outside. who have watched this dance go on for years.  My husband supported my attempts to try to reconcile, even when he wanted to be done with all of them.  He will not any longer. 

I am not perfect, I have never said I was.  I have had my own struggles and "stuff" I have had to deal with.  God has, and continues, to bring me to a place of complete healing and peace. 

But by the grace of God, I would be in the same place.  I have been in the same place.  But my God is a God of healing, a God of peace.  And He continues to bring peace and healing.  This is another step in that process.  Keeping the family secrets and not speaking out the truth will only continue to keep me, my husband, and my children in the middle of the dysfunction, the lies, the hurt.  God is a God of Truth, and He expects His people to walk in Truth.