Word for the Year

Every year, I chose a word for the year that guides my goals for that year.  Last year, courage was the word, but courage as Brene Brown defines it:

"Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage.”

This year, the word is self-care.  This year, I will focus on my own health, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  This will likely involve rescheduling monthly self-care methods I used previously, as well as adding some new things.  One important new self-care method I will be adding is staring my own personal Somatic Experiencing (SE) sessions, as this is important for both my own well-being, as well as my SEP (Somatic Experiencing Practitioner) certification goal.

I look forward to giving my self permission to focus on me this year!  

Back to School!

Tomorrow, I begin the second leg of my academic journey.  Tomorrow, I begin my master's degree in counseling.  

When I had my brief stint in college nearly 20 years ago, I had no idea where my life would take me.  Neverr did I think I would develop an interest in psychology, and a fascination with how the human brain is affected by trauma, loss, and abuse.  

My life's journey has led me down this path.  My own losses and struggles have made me stronger, and have led me through my own path of healing and redemption.  My journey as a mother, especially to children from hard places, has shown me how healing can come, and how He can use me to help bring it about.  The people He has brought into my live over the years He has used to show me something deep inside myself, a part of me that desires to help bring about healing in others.  My priorities and my heart's desires have changed over the years.  I find myself on a path I never imagined I would be on.  

And so, tomorrow morning, I begin the journey of earning my master's degree in marriage and family therapy at Capella University, and working towards licensure.  I am nervous, a bit overwhelmed and even slightly terrified, but mostlly I am excited.  Let's do this!       

The End of One Academic Path...the Beginning of Another

I write this just a week and a half after returning from my graduation ceremony at Ashford University in San Diego.  I reflect on where I was 2-1/2 years ago, and the decisions that led me to finish my undergraduate degree.

Nineteen years ago, I enrolled at Montana State University in Bozeman and began a double major in Business Management and Criminal Justice.  Only three semesters in (two regular semesters and one summer semester), I realized none of that was within the goals I had for myself at the time.  With this realization, I dropped out of college, with no plans to go back to a university.

Ten years ago, with the goal of learning medical transcription and setting myself up with a career where I had the opportunity to work from home, I enrolled in Brighton College's online medical transcription course, finishing that in about 2-1/2 years.  My enrollment in that course coincided with our decision to adopt for the first time, and knowing that I wanted to be able to stay at home as much as possible and work from home.  Once I earned my Certificate of Medical Transcription and began my medical transcription career with an internship that allowed me to develop my skills to be able to work from home, I figured that would be the end of my academic career.

I have learned, though, that often life leads you in directions you never thought you would go.  God uses our life experiences and our passions to change the course of our lives.  This is exactly what happened in the summer of 2012.  With ten years of parenting under our belts, specifically adoptive parenting, and through getting to know and offering mutual support to other adoptive families in our community, I began to slowly develop a passion for helping adoptive families like my own.  On a wild hair, I began to look into what it would take to become a licensed counselor in the state of Montana.  Thus, a new chapter was begun in my life.  I enrolled at Ashford University online to complete my bachelor's degree, beginning with Applied Behavioral Science, and soon changing to straight Psychology.  Many of my credits from both MSU and my medical transcription courses transferred, and I was able to start pretty much where I left off at MSU, completing my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology on September 29 of this year, after 2 years and 2 months of reading, discussion posts, and papers, papers, and more papers.  I joined the Golden Key Honor Society, was on the Dean's List for every term, and graduated Summa Cum Laude with a cumulative GPA of 4.0.  It was not easy, and I can honestly say that without the support of my husband and children, I would not have been able to do this, while parenting full-time and all that entails, working at alternating times full-time and part-time, and dealing with everything else life tends to throw one's way.

So, what's next?  Many people have asked me this.  Fortunately, I knew the path I would need to follow before I even started.  I am currently in the process of applying for a graduate program.  I have a university narrowed down at this point based on recommendations from the State of Montana licensing board and required accreditation and academic and counseling hours.  I will share which school and which specific Master's degree when I know whether or not I have been accepted.  This part of my academic journey should take at least a couple of years to complete.  I hope to start after the first of the year.  The, the licensing exam will come next.  At this point, though, that is still a ways away, so barely on the edges of my radar at this point.

I know that my journey as an adoptive mother has given me a new understanding and deeper knowledge of my subject of study.  Twenty years ago, this field was not even an option or a slight interest for me.  What I have learned in life in recent years has given me a solid foundation and a passion for it now. I am excited about what is to come, and getting into the meat of my future career once my graduate studies ensue.

In the meantime, I am catching up on some classes for Civil Air Patrol, a pile of paperwork I need to get completed, and just resting my brain for a bit and working a little more while I am free from homework.  I am even getting in a little bit of pleasure reading (a rare occurrence during the past two years!).  Things are always busy in our household, and will continue to be, so I will have plenty to do to keep me busy during the next 2 or 3 months.  I look forward to studying for my Master's degree with a combination of anticipation and total panic!  ;)  

Approaching a New Year

As 2013 is coming to a close, and 2014 is just around the corner, I take time once again to reflect on the past year, what God has done and brought me through, and look forward with anticipation in the coming year.  I do not make New Year's resolutions, because I believe we can have a fresh start at any time and resolve to change something at any time, not just as a new year approaches.  For the last few years, though, I have prayed and sought the word God has for myself and my family for the coming newly beginning year.

Last year, I think the word God had for us was healing.  This wasn't crystal clear to me at the time, I didn't ask God what His word for us was then, but that is the place we were in at the time (right smack in the middle, as a matter of fact!), and that is where we most definitely have gone.  This past year has brought about an intense new level of healing not only for myself, but for my family a well.  As I have finally faced, walked through, and healed from some ugliness in my own past, I have watched my marriage become stronger.  I have learned my husband will be there, will protect and defend me, and help me walk through the painful "stuff," even when he has to listen to me process it over and over again (i.e., talk about it repeatedly).  I have learned that, even while he doesn't always verbalize it and can often have strange ways of showing it, he's got my back.  Here's to our 14th new year together!

Even more amazing over this past year, I have seen how my own coming forth with my struggles and my weaknesses, how my talking about it and being open and real about it, has brought my children, especially my two daughters, into a new place of healing of their own.  Through seeing that Mama struggles not only with her past, but with broken relationships, insecurities, and fears as well, my daughters have come to a place where they, too, have been able to be more open in sharing, healing and growing.  I have seen amazing changes and amazing maturity in them just these past few months.  It has not been easy.  There have been struggles, anger, arguments, and poor choices leading to mistakes with big consequences, but through it, they have learned and changed.  Through it, we have learned how to communicate more effectively.  My daughters are two of my closest friends.  I love talking with them, spending time with them, just being silly with them.  And, I love being real with them.

This past year has also brought fresh starts to our family.  This has been so important to our continued healing and growth as a family.  A physical fresh start in a new home was God's very real and physical way of opening the doors for us to have this much-needed, real way to continue to experience that growth and healing.  We were able to leave behind much of what we needed to break free from on several levels, and have a new focus and a new outlook on our lives that has began to steer us in the right direction for our lives as a family once again.

As 2014 approaches (it really looks strange seeing that, knowing it is only days away!), I have once again prayed, asking God to show me His word for our family this year, the word that reflects the journey He will be taking us on.  This year, I get simply this:  BLESSING.  He is showing me areas I need to change in myself, and in my family, to live our lives to the fullest, and to experience His level of blessing in the ways He wants us to.  Many of these are areas I need to continue to heal, trust, and surrender.  Which really brings us full circle to the title of this blog:  Surrender and Blessings.  I am looking forward to seeing what He does in the coming year.  I have not blogged here much in several months, as I needed to break away from it for a time and focus on where He was leading us, but I hope to be able to do much more of that as this new year approaches.

Forgiveness and Healings

As my family has been going through a time of healing, I have prayed about what to do with this blog.  After my last serious post and the attacks I received in comments (which I did not publish, it is my choice after all), and after all the efforts we have made to try to regain some semblance of privacy and safety for ourselves and our children, I have seriously thought and prayed about what to do with this blog.  I have considered shutting it down and starting a new one that certain family members and former friends do not know the web address for.

I have decided not to do this.  I started this blog a few years back to share what God is doing in my life, to share how we have seen His blessings come to pass in our lives as we have surrendered more of our desires and plans to Him.  It has been a place of vulnerability and healing for me, as well as a place of sharing.  This is MY blog, and I have absolutely nothing to hide.  Those who believe otherwise are entitled to their beliefs.  It's a free world, you can believe whatever you choose to believe about me and my husband and children.  Honestly, it's not really any of my concern, and it does not affect our lives in any way.

Here is what I have learned, and continue to learn, and what has been reaffirmed in my life.  I need to forgive.  I have done so.  The deep hurt and woundedness that not only I have experienced at the hands of others, but my children as well, have been forgiven.  We are healing and we are moving on.  But forgiveness does not mean that I have to let poisonous people into my life, or my children's.  Forgiveness means I am willing to let God continue to change my heart and work in me, and it means that I will let Him be my avenger.  It does not mean that all is as it was before.  Forgiveness means we can still set boundaries.

We are okay, all of us, and we will continue to be okay.  God has opened doors and made ways for us to have a fresh start, to move forward in what He has for our family.  He has orchestrated our healing and taken the broken pieces of our lives, and rebuilt them into something new.  Those who have hurt us and have intended harm for us no longer have any hold on our lives.  I will continue to speak truth, and I will continue to share the incredible blessings God has for our family.  I will continue to share my life and what He is doing.  I will continue to share my struggles and what He is teaching me in them.

This is my blog, and I have a choice to continue to share what I choose to share.  You also have a choice.  If you do not like what I write, if you do not like what my husband and I stand for, if you do not agree with what I say, you have a choice to not read my blog.  If you do read it, you have a choice to respond with whatever words you choose, whether they be words of encouragement or words of condemnation.  You can even try to stir trouble with others whom this blog has nothing to do with and attack my personal friendships with others whom you do not like.  But, again, I also have a choice.  I will choose to not post your comments, and I will choose to not respond.  I you are reading this and you have done this in the recent past, you know who you are.  You have no power over me or my children.

I choose to walk forward in forgiveness, peace, openness, truthfulness, and joy in the blessings He has given us.  I choose life.

(Somewhat Humorous) Thoughts on College Life at Age 40.

I was a college dropout.  17 years ago, I attended a full three semesters at MSU Bozeman.  Then I quit.  It just wasn't what I wanted at the time.  I had no interest in a college degree and was unsure what I wanted for a career.  I was 23 at the time, having gone into the work force right after high school graduation.

Fast forward to last summer.  The tiny thought of earning my degree entered my mind.  At first I ignored it.  Then I slowly started toying with it.  Problem is, the more I played with it, the bigger it grew.

This is crazy, I kept telling myself.  I work a full-time job that I already received training for (medical transcription training through an online program).  I have a young child.  I home school my teenager.  A colleague and I are trying to start a nonprofit.  How the heck do I have time to pursue a degree? 

So I asked my husband his thoughts.  I figured, if he thought it was a crazy idea, then it was and I would promptly push it away.  You can imagine my surprise - and trepidation - when he said go for it!  Okay, I had his support, so I couldn't use that as an excuse anymore.

I asked my teenage daughter, who would have to help more with the housework and her little brother, what she thought.  She got excited and voiced her full support.  Okay, another excuse out the window. 

I started looking at schools and degrees.  One particular school and program really caught my interest.  What I wanted to do with the degree started to unfold for me.  So I asked a therapist we knew who has worked with our family over the years.  Her response?  Go for it, come see me when you are ready, we have a need for it and I will help you get started.  Okay, she didn't think I was totally nuts, so there went that excuse. 

So, I prayed a bit more, applied at this school and for financial aid, and got accepted.  I started three months sooner than I anticipated.  Boom!  Less than two months from initial thoughts to reality! 

It's been a fun, exciting, and challenging journey.  Some things I've learned about college at age 40 versus my early 20's:

1.  My brain has to work a little harder to retain information.  Memorizing used to be easy-peasy for me.  Now my busy, tired, overworked brain has to work a little harder.  Sometimes it's even painful.  :D 

2.  House cleaning?  Cooking?  What are those?  Fortunately, my husband has been doing most of the cooking for quite some time now.  My awesome daughter does a fair share of the household cleaning and chores, and my husband and I fill in the rest.  She offers to do a lot of it.  We have a chart breaking down the chores to just a few minutes a day, but sometimes even then we don't get it all done.  And guess what?  The world hasn't ended.  The house isn't filthy and unlivable, it just doesn't live up to my usual standards of cleanliness.  And it's okay!

3.  Finding the balance between concentrating on school work and making sure my 4-year-old stays out of trouble has been, well, let's just say I am still learning!  You know the saying - Silence is golden unless you have a toddler/preschooler.  And you are so focused on your homework you don't notice the silence, and the ensuing disaster. 

4.  I have found I have a completely different perspective on many things than I did 17 years ago.  Sometimes I'm not so sure that is a good thing… 

5.  I have discovered I get just as excited - or disappointed - with my grades as I did 17 years ago.  When I'm working my tail off, I like the reward of a good grade.  Keeps me motivated to keep going and keep working hard!  I didn't think it would matter so much to me now. 

6.  My school, Ashford University, does one class at a time in 5-week intervals.  I have realized how well that has worked out for my insanity.  It seems to be the perfect amount of time spent on schooling and enables me to keep the school/work/family/down time balance very well.  I didn't know when I first looked at this school that that is how their program worked.  I am so thankful that's what I ended up with!

Because I was able to transfer so many credits from MSU and from my medical transcription curriculum, after only 5 classes, I am already halfway to my degree.  And I am incredibly excited to attain something that just a year ago I had absolutely no interest in achieving.  

Secrets No More

If you are getting ready to read this post, I will warn you right now that it is messy.  It is open, honest, blunt, and incredibly messy.  I (with the encouragement of my husband and friends) have vowed to be honest about this from now on.  This is part of the continued healing process for me.  This is something I need to do.  I figure I am already hated by my family, so posting this isn't going to do much more damage for me.  It will only help me and my husband to move on.  So here it is, in all its brutal honestly and its messiness.  I apologize if you don't like it, don't agree with it, or are hurt by it, but sometimes the truth is not easy to hear. 

My mother meant a lot to many people in her life.  What most do not know is the last few years of her life, she was an angry, bitter, broken woman.  She spread a lot of poison among her children and caused hurt feelings and damage.

But, I’m not supposed to talk about it.

I was regularly told I would be the last one married, that I was unstable, that I was too messed up to really accomplish much in my life.  She told my siblings and others these same things about me.

But, I'm supposed to keep it a secret.  I'm being disloyal if I talk about it.  I'm speaking ill of the dead.

I spent many months in counseling dealing with not only my own abusive dating relationships and childhood sexual abuse, but trying to deal with the rocky relationship with my mother.  She forbade me to "talk about our issues" with my therapist.  I did anyway.

But, I'm not supposed to "air our dirty laundry" to others. 

Many of her words were hurtful, devastating, and cold.  They bordered on verbal and emotional abuse.  Her husband didn't live up to her expectations, I didn't live up to her expectations, and she turned to her children who did as her confidants and closest friends. 

But, she was perfect, and I shouldn't say negative things about her.

She almost destroyed my wedding because of the way she tried to make it, and many things in her life, about her.  I stood up to her and refused to allow her to destroy my special day, told her it was going to happen whether she was there or not.

But, I’m supposed to just be grateful for everything she did, and be happy that she "put aside her hurt feelings" to be there for me. 

After she died, my siblings and certain of my mother's sisters took over the, for lack of a better word, verbal and emotional abuse.  I no longer struggled with the issues of my past abuse and the mistakes I had made in dating abusive men.  I was in a solid marriage with a Godly man (still am), working a steady job, and honestly doing well.  But, I remained the brunt of the family jokes.  In this family, you stay cutting, hurtful things in a joking manner, and when the recipient of such remarks mentions that they are hurtful and inappropriate, then they "just can't take a joke."  So I quit saying anything, learning to ignore the jokes about me, my looks, my marriage, my job, my home, anything and everything they could think of. 

When we became parents, the jokes and rude and inappropriate comments didn't stop there.  Now they had a new topic to make fun of, my parenting.  Behind my back, there were stories made up based on little, insignificant bits of information that are blown completely out of proportion.  These stories are completely false, not once has anybody come to me to find out the truth, but they use these stories to back their belief that I am a horrible mother and generally an awful human being.

But, they are family, and family is everything, and I'm supposed to just accept it and be loyal, no matter what.

My siblings are struggling with their own demons.  The unhealthiness of our family dynamics are so glaringly apparent to outsiders, and more and more to me as the healthy people in my life, my husband included, point out to me how abnormal and unhealthy the dynamics really are.  So, I have set boundaries, with my husband's backing and support, to protect myself and my children.  They use this as another example of how unstable and horrible I am.

Because I’m selfish after all, and that twisted sense of family loyalty is supposed to come first, and is supposed to turn a blind eye on all else. 

This past summer, despite everything, we tried to help.  It ended very badly.  Actions were taken that could have brought my children to harm.  There was suspected illegal activity in front of our house (but, it wasn't actually ON our property, so that was supposed to make everything okay).  There was a refusal to accept responsibility for their own lives and circumstances and decisions (not something new, but we were now in the middle of it).  There was evidence that reconciliation was not what was wanted, only a desire to continue to be angry and place blame and accuse.  My children were reacting to the weirdness and the underlying tensions, and we set boundaries again, asking them to leave and not come near our property or our children. 

I broke the unspoken oath of loyalty.  Look past lies, dishonesty, and unhealthiness and remain loyal at all costs.  Even at the expense of my children.

The response was a call to Child Protective Services with completely false and untrue allegations about supposed abuse of my teenage daughter (not my preschooler, and not accusing Dave, just me).  The clincher - this latest episode of abuse supposedly took place during the week my daughter was at church camp.  She wasn't even home!  Needless to say, the social worker didn't really believe a word of the story (she had to follow it up anyway), there was nothing and nobody to back it, and when she realized she had stepped into the middle of a family mess, she was not very happy.  We had names and phone numbers of professionals who have worked with our children and our family over the years who would back us.  While she could not tell us who made the call, just based on the report and the specific words and phrases used (they do have to read the allegations), we knew without a doubt who it was (we have heard many of those words and phrases numerous times over the past few years, and the other ones were directly from a PRIVATE conversation we had had with one of my siblings recently, words that had been twisted and taken back to others in an attempt to hurt us).

But, I am horrible for even talking about this, and I should be loyal, no matter what.  I should put aside all the lies, unhealthiness, dysfunction, and legal issues, and be loyal.  Period.  Cause they're family, and being loyal is all that matters. 

We are done.  No longer will my husband and I put up with any of this.  No longer will we sit back and allow twisted, untrue, hateful, hurtful words to be spoken over us or about us or our children.  Nor will we continue to pretend that we are such a close, tight family with my siblings.  That is a lie, and we are done wasting time on relationships and people that do not like me, want to bring us harm, and have proven they will stop at no lengths to harm our children.  The hatred for me goes so deep that they are honestly convinced I am manipulative and have even professionals fooled, that they are the only ones who know the "truth" about me. 

Before anybody thinks any of this is my imagination or I am being overly sensitive, there are several people, including my husband, who have watched this over the years from the outside. who have watched this dance go on for years.  My husband supported my attempts to try to reconcile, even when he wanted to be done with all of them.  He will not any longer. 

I am not perfect, I have never said I was.  I have had my own struggles and "stuff" I have had to deal with.  God has, and continues, to bring me to a place of complete healing and peace. 

But by the grace of God, I would be in the same place.  I have been in the same place.  But my God is a God of healing, a God of peace.  And He continues to bring peace and healing.  This is another step in that process.  Keeping the family secrets and not speaking out the truth will only continue to keep me, my husband, and my children in the middle of the dysfunction, the lies, the hurt.  God is a God of Truth, and He expects His people to walk in Truth.