Ordinary, Everyday Hero

Four years ago today, I was having coffee with a friend when I got the phone call. "My water broke, they're sending me to Billings." This young mother had been in the hospital all night with preterm labor, when I had talked with her an hour or two earlier it had stopped and she thought she would be going home. Just like that, things changed. I hurried back to the hospital, leaving my nephew whom I was babysitting with my sister. Within an hour, Dave and I were driving to Billings, and she and her doula were on the plane on the way to St. Vincent's Hospital in Billings, where we spent most of the weekend until she was stabilized and we felt we could go home.

Little did I know that early Friday morning that our precious son would be born only nine days later, yet I would not meet him for eight weeks. In those initial days, she did decide to parent her son. I was devastated, and oh, how I grieved! God did some work in me over those eight weeks, bringing peace and healing to my heart and soul even as the ache of the loss was ripping me apart. Then, eight weeks almost to the day after he entered the world, just as I felt ready to move on and pack away all the baby things, I received the phone call that forever changed my world. On Saturday morning, May 10, the day before Mother's Day, I held my baby boy in my arms for the very first time.

Over the ensuing weeks and months, I learned just how difficult life had been for he and the young lady who had brought him into the world. It was truly a miracle he had survived. Premature and ill, he spent at least five of those early eight weeks in the hospital. Initially in Billings for two weeks, he was transferred back to Bozeman, where he remained another week in the hospital before being released. Then he had two other hospitalizations in the ICU for serious respiratory issues, both for a total of another two weeks. After the second hospitalization, he was released to the custody of family members when CPS became involved, and some time during his initial release he spent a few days in the care of a friend while she was dealing with some legal issues.

This little baby did not know where or with whom he belonged the first two months of his life. The week he was placed in our custody, the day after papers were signed, he ended up hospitalized again and had surgery. I remember finally brining him home a week later, lying on our bed with this tiny person on my chest, exhausted from the week. He just lay there, looking into my eyes. It was almost as if he knew he finally belonged!

But he did not come through all this unscathed. Prematurity, prenatal drug exposure, and poor attachment affected him mentally, emotionally, and physically. By 7 months of age, he was diagnosed by early intervention services as "high guard, high tone." He was stiff as a board, pushed away, had poor eye contact, and already suffered with night terrors and nightmares. But, the same stubborn determination that likely contributed to his early birth and his survival in those early months remained. This little guy fought to learn to breastfeed, fought to bond and trust, fought to crawl, to walk, even to eat. He fought to get work through serious sensory issues. He screamed (literally) when the physical, occupational, and speech therapists worked his stiff muscles, molded his little body into crawling position, then walking, put him through obstacle courses to work on his coordination and balance. He threw a fit when he was put in a swing to work on sensitivity and balance issues. He yelled and refused to cooperate when the OT worked with him on feeding issues and getting his tiny mouth to get used to food textures, learn how to chew properly, and take decent bites. But, he worked hard, he learned, and 2-1/2 years later, he was finally released from all early intervention therapy services.

This little boy is my hero. He inspires me every day to fight for what matters in my life. Today, he is well-adjusted, happy, and firmly bonded with us. He has faced and overcome more things than most children meet in their entire lives.

God blessed us with this precious and unexpected gift. Then, he has allowed us to watch him grow, learn, overcome, and thrive. Look around you, you may find ordinary, everyday heroes in your own family or friends. Let them inspire you!

In Blessing or Heartache

I don't share much about our struggles with infertility, mostly for two reasons. The first is because I get tired of the idiotic and hurtful comments people make about those who are struggling to get pregnant. Some mean well, some think they are being funny, but infertility is an incredibly painful and often extremely lonely place to be. The other reason is because I hate it when people think we adopted because of infertility. Adoption was always in our plan, and my children are not "second best" or a "second choice." It was something we knew we would do even before we were married. I this post, though, I am going to be open and vulnerable about the past week and one small sliver of this years'-long struggle.

This past week was a strange one. It's hard to put into words what is going through my heart and mind. I know some old "stuff" has been triggered by my having to deal with an ovarian cyst this week. While I was going through this, I realized, maybe for the first time, the emotional connection with what happens in our bodies.

I have struggled with infertility and reproductive health issues for many years. I have had to deal with this on many different levels at different points in my life. It's not something that ever goes away, but it does get better. It takes a lifetime of healing. And I could not have gotten to where I am in this area of my life without God and His work in my life. True healing began for me when He became all I truly needed.

That doesn't mean the pain doesn't still hit at times. That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. Infertility is a loss, one that must be grieved repeatedly. And like the grief from any loss, it sticks with you forever; even as the pain dulls, it still remains. And one in awhile it stabs into your soul, sharp and poignant, like a knife in an old wound.

We have adopted four children, not as a second choice (we always knew we would adopt, even before we started trying to get pregnant), and they have been such blessings in our lives! Our first three children were older when they became ours. That was not the route we thought we would go, but it is the path God had for us. We have never had second thought. Yet, the desire to raise a baby has always been so strong in my heart. After our Russian adoption, within months of us brining them home, actually, God placed our Filipino daughter on our hearts. It took us almost three more years to bring her home, and at that point, we no longer qualified for infant adoption through most agencies, as we had too many children in our home. Foster adoption has never been a route we felt we should pursue.

Therefore, I knew the only way we would ever have a baby was to become pregnant, or for someone to approach us via a private placement. That did happen four years ago, and what an incredible blessing this little boy has been! Yet, I have felt God isn't done yet. I feel, among the other children God has for us, there is one more little baby. Only He knows how and when this will come about. A year ago, we thought it was time again. Sadly, this did not work out, and this adoption loss was as real and poignant as the loss any parent experiences when they loose a child. Loss on top of loss...but God is divine and wonderful, and He brings healing and peace, in His time, and He and time cause the sharp pain to become a dull ache.

Last week, I developed another ovarian cyst. I have managed my endometriosis and cysts and other comorbid health issues fairly well over the last few years with alternative treatment modalities and dietary changes. I have not had problems serious enough to need to deal with them acutely for awhile. Last week, I did. As I was receiving acupuncture treatments and Mayan abdominal massage to help dissolve this cyst, the years of loss came over me. The frustration at my body not working the way it was designed in the first place, the pregnancies that never came to be or had the opportunity to grow, the failed adoption...as my body began to heal, my heart had to heal again, also.

Very few people know we are once again in the position of waiting to see if an adoption of an infant will happen. God has opened the door to another possibility, but nothing is definite. The uncertainty is enough to make me want to run in the opposite direction. I wonder why I am putting myself in this vulnerable position of being either incredibly blessed, or deeply wounded. But, God is still in control. He still has a plan. He has placed us on this path of deep loss for a reason. Whatever happens over the next couple of months, I pray that He will use me as a blessing in the life of this young mother and her family. I pray that on my journey down this road of heartache and physical pain, He will use me to touch the lives of others.

I choose to trust Him, whatever the road ahead may bring, blessing or heartache.

I'm Back!!

I have decided to make my blog accessible to all again. I have heard from some people who actually do read my blog, and I don't want to have to keep adding people to read it, or requiring them to log in to do so. I realize I am opening myself up to a level of vulnerability and judgment once again.

If you are reading this and you only do so to judge me, then know that it doesn't matter to me. If you don't like something I post on here, then simply stop reading it! What you think does not matter to me anyway. I do not make decisions for myself and my family based on what you think. And I don't care how you twist the things I say to your own liking. I am entitled to my feelings, my thoughts, and my beliefs, and those who really know me, my husband, and my children KNOW us, and they respect us and what any of us have to say. I started this blog to share what is happening in my life and what God is doing. You know who you are, and there is nothing you can do about it anyway. I am choosing to live my life in freedom, and you have no affect and no influence over my life whatsoever. Think what you want!

To the rest of you, I look forward to updating what is happening in our lives over the comning weeks and months. Thank you for following my blog!

Surrender...Again

When I started this blog a few years ago, I titled it what I did because I wanted to share what God was teaching me through surrender in my life. I wanted a platform to share what He was doing in my life. I have been able to do that, and now, three or four years later, He is bringing me full circle, right back to that place of surrender - surrender to Him and to His blessings.

Many know the struggle in my life the past two months in regards to a specific relationship and what has not worked out like we had hoped it would. I had to go into this particular situation in a place of surrender, knowing that I was taking a giant risk in opening myself up to the potential hurt this situation could bring. This relationship has lost some of its closeness the past few weeks, and I have been unsure how to move on, how to reconcile and restore, yet keep the appropriate boundaries in place. And in the meantime, I have clung to HOPE. My heart still wants all facets of the situation to work out, while at the same time I know I must figure out how to let go and move on.

We are also in the place in our family of surrendering our house, the home we spent so much blood, sweat, tears, and frustration building, then dedicating to God to use for His purposes. This was a decision that required a lot of prayer on both our parts, and one that brought great peace. Yet, as we began to sign the papers, as the "For Sale" sign went up in the front yard, and as the prospect of actually having to move has loomed closer, I have found myself not wanting to let go.

The third situation that has been heavy on my heart is in regards to our girls in Colombia. We have seen God open the doors to begin this process. One thing He made it clear to us we needed to do before we could begin the process was paying off some outstanding debt. We did not know how we would do this, but He has provided the means through our pending federal tax refund to pay off all the outstanding debts He showed us needed to be paid. Now, as we are able to begin moving forward to bring the girls home, I find myself in a place of fear. We saw Him provide what we needed for our last two international adoptions, so I know He who is the father of the fatherless, He who loves the orphans and brings them to a place where they are orphans no longer, will provide again, and His glory will be made known once again in the lives of the children He is bringing to us. But, even as I know this, I find myself almost paralyzed in fear. Some untrue and cruel words were spoken over me last summer by a family member that really attacked the most vulnerable areas of our lives - our parenting and our choice to adopt. I know these words have no power in my life, and I know who I am in Christ. I have had to speak His truth over an over again, out loud and silently, to release the hold of these words in my life. God has confirmed our call through various other people and other words spoken into our lives in Truth. Yet, these words keeps trying to take root in my heart. I hear them bouncing around in my mind, and I begin to fear, what I am not even sure. I am afraid to speak out our need and what God is doing, especially in regards to fundraising, because of what this one person said out of her own anger and hurt.

So, where am I going with all this? Last night, after everyone else had gone to bed, I went back downstairs in my house, into the peacefulness and darkness of my living room, where I can feel the presence of God so strongly in the quiet of night. I brought these three areas before Him, almost afraid to ask Him for anything. After all, I have been so blessed beyond measure! Who am I to expect even more from Him? I even uttered these very words to Him in that time of prayer. I did not really get any clear-cut answers from Him on any of these, but He did reveal to me a couple of truths.

He reminded me that He says of Him, "Ask it in My name." He reminded me of the time three years ago, while we waited for our precious Timothy, when He spoke to me very clearly and said, "Tell me what You want, and say it out loud." He reminded me that He does hear, and that He answers prayers, and that He has more in store for us than I could ever imagine!

But, He also reminded me of surrender. He reminded me that I cannot hold so tightly to what I want. He reminded me that, when my hands are clenched shut to keep something within my grasp, He cannot fill them with what He has in store for me.

He reminded me once again that His ways are not my ways, that He knows so much more than I do. He showed me that there are things I can do to try to keep some of these things in my life (for example, with the payoff of the debt mentioned above, we have discussed negotiating with the bank about working with us to keep our house after all). He even showed me I can speak my desires, the desires HE has put on my heart, out loud, and I can work towards them.

But, in the end, no matter what happens, I still need to be willing to give up control. I need to be willing to open my hands wide, lift them up to Him, and allow Him to take what he wants, leave what He chooses, and fill them with more - more than I ever thought possible.

That is what surrender is about - opening myself up wide for His incredible blessings.

It Matters to Them

Many times, in this journey of international adoption and parenting internationally adopted kids, we are asked why. Why spend so much money for a single adoption of one or two kids, when you could give that same amount to an orphanage that could help so many more?

Don't get me wrong, this is not a post against orphanage ministries. I am totally in favor of giving to build and support orphanages. They are so desperately needed. Where would my children have gone if those children's homes had not been there when they needed them? Who would have cared for them during the time they were not yet able to be adopted, but their birth families could not?

I believe we are all called to serve and minister to the orphans, but not all of us in the same way. Some are called to go as missionaries, some to work in those orphanages. Some are called to give money, to build and run and staff the homes. Some are called to adopt, and still others to support those who do so financially and in prayer. Some are called to foster care. There are so many ways to be involved with orphan ministry!

And the orphanages are desperately needed. The majority of children in many of our world's orphanages are not eligible for adoption for various reasons, still others never have the opportunity. But, there are those who God has chosen to place in families. So, who does it matter to when families called to adoption chose to raise and spend thousands of dollars on an adoption?

In my own home, it matters.

It matters to Katiana.

It matters to Alex.

It matters to Jenalyn.

It matters to Kelly and Ana Maria, our waiting daughters.

Ask any of my children if, given a choice, they would have chosen the orphanage over an opportunity to have a FAMILY! Ask any of the thousands and thousands of children in an orphanage anywhere, or in foster care here in our own country, which they would chose.

I have a key chain that holds the key to my office. It says this:

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

We cannot save them all, but we can save the ones God has called us to, the ones he has put on our hearts. Think about it - so many children, so many faceless and nameless orphans, and a mere three we have currently been blessed to call our own, two more God has put on our hearts. Five children out of thousands.

Have we made a difference? Does it matter?

When God Takes Something From Your Hands

Almost 4-1/2 years ago, we broke ground to begin building our home. We worked on it after a regular day at work, on weekends, and on holidays. It took us 13 months to complete the process. We moved in November 2007 and for the first time in four years, were able to bring everything from storage and unpack it.



Unfortunately, just as we were finishing the house, the market began to take a slight downward turn. In the last one to two years it has bottomed out. What this means is we have never been able to get the financing we wanted originally, and we have had to work more in order to keep up with the monthly payments.

In recent weeks, we have begun to realize this was not what we wanted. We never planned to simply work for our house. We have become more and more aware of the ways we would rather be spending our time - Civil Air Patrol, the nonprofit maternity home I am helping to set up, and for me, simply being able to be a mom. Even though I do work from home, it is still work and still time I have to devote to work. I want to be able to be present as much as possible for my kids, both the ones currently in my home and the ones we know God is still bringing to us.

So, we have begun to pray about ways we can cut expenses, things we can do to be able to work less (meaning only Dave's regular job without the paper route we have been doing, and me being able to continue to work part-time). This would also enable us to pay off some debt we want to be rid of, and to pursue the things God has put on our hearts. This has been a difficult process for us, one that has entailed letting go and even giving up on our dreams. So, we have prayed about and made some difficult decisions regarding this house we worked so hard for. It has been bittersweet, but with it has come great peace.

And then, within hours and days of the decision, we have received confirmation from different sources and people. I received a text message twice in one week with this quote (words not exact, but you'll get my meaning). "When God takes something from our hands...he is opening them up to receive something better." Dave received the following "On this day God wants you to know..." message on Facebook (an application we both use:

"On this day God wants you to know...that beginnings are only possible where there are endings. Clear acknowledged endings are as necessary to intelligible life, as pauses between notes to intelligible music. Although endings sometimes feel like the end of you, take them for what they really are - the end of a stage in your life. Here is to new beginnings!"

Finally, a couple of days ago we received this from an acquaintance. This is somebody who knows us, but not well enough to know our hearts in regard to family and adoption. Her words made us laugh and cry. It was more confirmation for not only the recent decisions we have made, but our hearts for adoption, as well. And, in light of the critical words spoken to me by a family member this past summer, they were also the encouragement I desperately needed.

"The picture I see is massive! It is like a "Family Reunion" type of picture. It starts small, like a very tight zoom on just Laura & Dave. Then it increases to you & Dave are at the center with the kids all around you. There are 10 kids that are creating a circle around you. The zoom button is hit again & you see even more. Behind each of the kids is a group that represents their biological families, some small, some very large!. (This is where it looks kinda weird). Laura & Dave have arms that grow. First they go around each other, just the two of you. While still holding each other, then they go around each kid, individually & then as a group. Without letting go of anyone, then they bend & twist to go all the way around the back of the families like you are giving a big group hug to encompass all of them. It is a picture of your influence on these people, some you don't even know, as well as the ones you directly affect - the kids.

Then the it is like I am zooming out further & over the top of you all is this shining cloud with big muscular arms that are coming out of it going directly into Laura & Dave so that your arms can do what they do. Then it is like there are lots of other arms, all different lengths & levels of strength, coming out of the sides of the cloud that are holding all of you on a plane that is increasing in size as each one comes into the gates of your plane. There is no fence with the gate, just two posts that have a sign that reads "Furniss Love Arena"

The # of kids is what I was questioning God about, because I know there aren't 10 right now, but he repeatedly gave me 10. When I asked God for revelation to the vision, I got the picture of the water drop hitting the water & creating the circles of influence in the shape of a heart. I believe it is a circle created from the love the two of you have for each other going out to affect those you don't even know you are affecting. Your sphere of influence is ever increasing and growing, even when you don't realize it. The cloud of course represents God & his arms of love that are extending down to you and then out from you. His arms are like a big muscle builders arms, very strong & He is giving you that strength as you do what He has called you to do. The arms coming out of the sides of the cloud are those who are supporting you in prayer, helping to hold up God's work in you. There are arms you don't recognize as well as ones you know well.

That is what I have seen. I pray it gives confirmation or is confirmed in your hearts & lives!"

So, with renewed faith, with renewed energy, with renewed vision, we start out on a new adventure in 2011. We are excited to continue to see what God is doing in our lives.

And, for those of you who don't understand this strong desire we have to adopt, take a look at this video:

Hope is Fading from Allan Rosenow on Vimeo.

Furniss Newsletter 11/19/2010

This is the first adoption newsletter we sent out today via email.

As many of you know, we are currently in the process of adopting another baby, a sibling to our Timothy. This baby boy (it looks like, that has already changed once) is due in February, but may be early as Timothy was. Continued prayers for him to continue to stay in the womb as long as possible would be appreciated, as well as for the adoption to go through. We fully realize, especially based on what happened with Timothy, that this may fall through again, but are stepping out in faith anyway and trusting that God has the best plan for this baby.

We are also feeling called to pursue another international adoption. We met two girls from Colombia this summer during the Summer of Hope program (the same program our Katiana and Jenalyn came through). We were not really planning on going in this direction at this time, but God has a way of changing hearts and making His will clear. We have been approved to have contact with the girls while we pursue their adoptions. This is no guarantee of adoption, but is still a step nonetheless. Kelly Johanna is currently 11 years old, and her sister Ana Maria just turned 10. They are both beautiful, sparkling young ladies whom we look forward to inviting into our family in the near future.



Right now, we are focusing on the paperwork for the baby's adoption. Once that is finished, we will begin the process for the girls' adoptions. In the meantime, we have come up with or been suggested some very creative fundraising opportunities. We will need to raise the funds once again for the international adoption.

We have come under criticism recently for both our fundraising efforts AND the fact that we have adopted in the first place and want to do so again (specifically by some family members, who will not be receiving this, or any other messages from us). However, we believe this is still what we are supposed to do, and we still believe that our God, the Father of the fatherless, has a plan for these orphans that He has brought into our lives. That being said, if you are not interested in being on this email news list, please let us know. We only want to keep those of you informed who are interested in these exciting changes in our lives.

We will also update through our blog, http://www.lfurniss.blogspot.com, and for those of you on Facebook, on there also.

In the meantime, while we do not expect anything from any of you (except maybe for continued prayer support and encouragement), those of you who are interested in the fundraising aspect of this adventure do have the opportunity, if you feel so led, to take a look at a couple of fundraisers we are currently organizing and starting to promote.

The first one we are quite excited about. Just Love Coffee Roasters sells high quality, organic, free trade coffees. Proceeds from their sales go towards building schools for older children in Ethiopia. They also have a fundraising program we have signed up for. We receive proceeds of $5 for every bag of coffee or T-shirt sold, $3 per travel mug, tote bag, or hat, and $1 per coffee scoop. Just Love Coffee runs the website and tracks the sales for us and sends us the proceeds monthly. We have set a goal of 2000 bags of coffee sold. That website is

www.justlovecoffee.com/furniss

You can place your order there directly and the coffee will be shipped to you, or you can place an order through us and we will have it shipped to you.

The second fundraiser involves this puzzle:



We are selling the pieces of this puzzle for $1 a piece. When a piece is purchased, the name of the buyer will be written on the back of the puzzle piece. We will assemble the puzzle as pieces are sold and when all the pieces are gone and the puzzle fully assembled, it will be framed on both sides so both sides can be viewed. This will then hang in our house as a reminder of all who helped bring these girls home into their forever family.

We do have some other fundraising options that we will pursue at a later date, and are always open to more creative ideas that anyone has. Once we have our international home study completed for the girls, we will be able to pursue adoption grant options, also.

For those who would rather just make a direct, tax-deductible donation, you can always send payment directly to:

The Sacred Portion Children's Outreach
7104 Bristol Lane
Bozeman, MT 59715

Designate it to us on a SEPARATE PIECE OF PAPER (IRS rules), not on the check, and it will go directly into our funds there.
Thank you to all of you who have encouraged and supported us in the past, and who continue to do so as we travel this road again. It is exciting to see the healing and restoration God has brought to our children, and we are excited about being His tool for this purpose once again. We will send updates every few weeks as things progress.