Another Mother's Day is here. It is one of my favorite holidays now, but not that many years ago, it was the most dreaded. I would either avoid church on Mother's Day completely, or find a way to be anywhere BUT in the actual service if I was there. Even though this holiday is now one of joy for me, a part of me still approaches it with a mixture of thoughts and emotions. In order to share these, I am taking a tremendous risk for myself and opening wide the doors to vulnerability. I am baring my heart, taking the risk that others may not understand, may not take what I desire to say with the heart it is meant, but I am going to do it anyway.

I have known the pain of infertility. And I have known the joy of motherhood. The two emotions will always be inseparable in my mind and heart. And in this mix of competing emotions, I want to honor mothers with different stories and backgrounds.

First off all, for those mothers still in the midst of loss and infertility, I know first hand how extremely painful this day is. I know the pain, the anger, the frustration at your body's inability to work the way God intended it to. I know the agony of month after month after month, not having the one desire of your heart come to fulfillment. I can honestly say that that pain will never go away, but in time, God will use it, and He will birth in you something out of those broken pieces of your life, and that pain will become less as He becomes more. For now, I do not want to give cliches and platitudes that you have probably already heard. If you are like I was when I was in the midst of that, you don't need or want to hear them, anyway. I will say this, though: I understand. And it's okay to be angry and hurt. I call you mothers anyway, because God has still given you the heart of a mother. In His time and in His way, He will show you what He has for you in that area. I love you and I honor you.

For those mothers who have experienced the loss of a child of any age, I cannot imagine your pain. I experienced a similar loss myself for a brief time before my youngest finally became mine, before I knew God still intended for him to be with me, but I won't pretend to know or understand your loss and pain daily. I honor you, and I respect your loss and pain. I understand that nothing anybody can say will ever take it away, the loss will always be very real, and I want you to know, it is okay and I honor you.

For those mothers who have chosen to place a child for adoption, words cannot express the degree of respect and admiration I have for you. Don't ever let anyone tell you you were wrong, that you made a poor choice, or that you "gave up" your child. I hate those words, "gave up." You did not give up anything, you made a choice for your child, one made out of great love and great sacrifice, NOT out of selfishness. You deserve honor and respect. I know nothing can ever replace the hole in your heart that will always be there for your children. But I want you to know, as an adoptive mother, how your sacrifice has blessed me, and others like me. You will always be your child's mother, whether or not you raise them, regardless of the amount of contact you may or may not have now, and I thank you for being willing to share your children with us. I honor you.

For those who became mothers through adoption, it can be so frustrating to see this holiday become focused around pregnancy and birth. It can be incredibly painful to feel like your motherhood is somehow not as important as those who birthed their children. But yet, you ARE mothers. God ordained each of your children to be yours from the moment of conception. He planned for them to be yours. It doesn't matter how long it took before they were yours, or what you had to go through to get them. You are mothers, equally as much as those who birthed their children. It does not take growing a child in your womb, birthing them into being, or having their blood run through your veins. They are yours, your very own. And even though you are a mother now through adoption, it's still okay to feel the loss and frustration over being unable to conceive. It doesn't mean you love your children any less, and it does not make you any less of a mother. Those who are mothers through both birth and adoption, I know most of you will attest to the fact that you do not view your children through the eyes of "biological" or "adopted." Those boundaries do not exist in your eyes. You love them all equally, and you are highly honored as mothers.

For those whose who are mothers to children who were older when they joined your family, this is for you. Those who have not adopted older children will never understand this, and some may find some of what I am going to say offensive or misunderstand, but that is okay. You know where I am coming from. For those of you who have welcomed wounded, hurting children into your families, for those whose children have rejected your love, for those of you who have wondered if you made a mistake, or if you have even disliked your child at times, or wondered if the bond and healing will ever come, you are honored. God has made you a mother of a different kind, one who choses to love even when that love is not returned, one who choses to be a mother even when the "feelings" are not there. I pray for His peace over you and your children, for healing and redemption. Your children are no longer orphans. You could not prevent the hurt and abandonment and abuse your children experienced, but I know God can use you to bring healing and peace. I honor you.

I honor all of you, mothers by birth, mothers by adoption, and mothers in heart. May you be blessed today.

Adoption as Redemption

"People use the same excuses as to why they can't adopt as those who are aborting their children. We are all asking, 'How will this affect my time?' and 'How will this affect my money?'... The church can tell people they should not abort their children because it's morally wrong, but then we have to be the solution and say, 'I will take your baby.' -Derek Loux"

I ran across this quote on Orphan Justice Center's Facebook page. It really caught my eye and tugged at my heart strings. Then, as I looked through OJC's web page, I came across this:

"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can't even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like [our children] will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to [them]...but [they] will live in the fruit of it...I will never expect [them] to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch [them] live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being in my family. This is how our heavenly "Papa" feels towards us." -Derek Loux

Wow, adoption as redemption! I have, before now, not been able to put this into words, but this hit me right in my adoption heart! This is the call for adoption God has placed on our heart, on our lives.

Adopting older children who have had a life and a past, who have hurts and losses that are not our fault, is extremely challenging. It has been the most challenging, most frustrating, most aggravating experience of our lives. It has also been, without any doubt, the most rewarding. When we began to see God's healing and redemption in the lives of our children, we know in that moment it has been worth it.

We will adopt again. We know God is not finished with us yet. We know he has more children to bring healing and redemption to through us. We know He will continue to use us in our present children's lives, and in our future children. We know there are more children out there that He wants to bring hope, life, and a future to, and He will use us to do it.

I am ready, Father God. Bring them on!

New Year

I don't make New Year's resolutions. I just don't like to commit to doing something simply because it is a new year. Commitments can be made year-round, as I feel God leading me to change in an area or step out into something new, not just at the beginning of the year.

That being said, the new year is a good time to reflect back on the previous year, take stock of what I did, what I wanted to do and didn't, and re-evaluate goals and dreams. As my toddler is getting older and is less clingy and more willing to play and entertain himself for short periods of time, I have short intervals where I can start to do some of those things I have not been able to do since he came along. And, I can start some of those things I have wanted to, but just simply haven't gotten to yet.

First goal of this year: Get healthy again. My chronic illnesses have not been very well under control for some time, partly due to the financial strain we have been under in the past year. I just have not been able to afford many of the things I was doing on a regular basis to manage my symptoms. But, I can watch how I eat, I can start taking my vitamins, and I can start exercising again. Hard to do with chronic fatigue, but I know that as I make the effort to do just a little at a time, my energy will increase.

Second goal: Start writing again. Even if it is just two to three days a week, even if it is just this blog, even if it is simple note taking and brainstorming some of the many ideas tumbling through my head, it's time to start writing again. Time to take this off the back burner and work it into my schedule once more.

Third goal: Build our business. This one is the scariest for me, the one that seems the most impossible as it takes me so far out of my comfort zone, my stomach ties in knots just thinking about it! But, if we can persist, if we can step forward despite the fears and difficulties this brings about for us - the financial and time freedom we will be well worth it. Paying off debt, being financially secure, and having the time to devote to things like my writing - oh, those are worthy goals!

So, as a new year begins, a new phase of life begins. May I glorify God in it!

Seasons of Life

We go through different seasons of life. Friends change, relationships change. And sometimes, that old stuff that you think you have worked through pops back up.

It's been a hard weekend. Finding out my brother was arrested in connection with an alleged casino robbery was hard enough, not to mention completely shocking. But, then, to come under criticism from another family member over how I responded...No, I have not had a relationship with him for the past several years, although I have tried. It's hard to have a relationship with somebody who doesn't want one with you, especially when there are so many perceived hurts and misunderstandings, so many lies. But, he is still my brother, and I still care about him very much. I have never stopped praying for him, have never treated him any differently than I ever have. The only thing I have done differently is set some boundaries in the beginning, when my first two kids came home, to protect them. This was over five years ago, and since then the boundaries I originally set have not been an issue. My kids love him, have as much of a relationship as can be expected with someone they do not see often.

However, now I have come under criticism for setting those boundaries in the first place, because maybe there was more I could have done in this relationship, and maybe it was perceived as rejection. I feel I have done what I can, and I feel like my children, rightfully, come before my relationships with my siblings, however that may have been perceived in the past. We felt we did what we needed to at the time as parents. We had to set some boundaries in the beginning, until the kids were in a place where they could understand. Too many factors - different culture, language, the isolation of living in orphanages in other countries - played into that decision, and we didn't want them to be afraid of something we could not explain at first. Not an issue anymore, but suddenly, after all this time, somebody has made it one.

Add to that last week's events, and coming under attack for acknowledging that it was my brother in custody and in the news. This was not a judgment or admission of guilt or anything on my part, but I feel as if it has been perceived that way. I feel as if I came under criticism for seeking prayer and support from my friends, that I am not allowed to talk about it or share anything about it. Unfair, irrational, and just plain mean!

The final straw, it seems, are the feelings of criticism from a friend - about my house, how I run my household, how I parent my kids, how I'm too "psychological" when I talk about my kids and this just doesn't seem normal to this person. Ugh, I just can't seem to win! We are just in very different places right now, and in my efforts to try to be understood, the opposite has happened. This person just cannot understand this perspective, and seems to think I am the only person in the world who sees things from this "psychological" perspective. Never mind that that has been my reality with my children, children who have come from backgrounds of abuse, neglect, extreme poverty, as it has been with many other families we know. When it is outside the realm of somebody else's understanding, there is not much that can be done to make them understand, so human nature is to run to the people who do.

I guess all this is just a summary of where I am at right now. I feel misunderstood, disrespected, and not taken seriously. I feel vulnerable and a little lost. Thank God that He understands all, knows all, loves all, accepts all! I know He is still my Source, my Strength, my Understanding, my Peace. I can take my doubts in the midst of these criticisms to Him. I can ask Him to show me where I have been wrong. I know He will show me the areas I need to repent of. And I also know he will show me where I am blameless.

I will not take offense, and I will not take others' offense towards me personally. As long as I am walking in God's will, He will be my Defender and I will be blameless in His eyes.

What's next?

Well, the situation I wrote about previously is not to be. It was heartbreaking, as I have met these children before and had really hoped that they could be mine. They are still so strongly on my heart! But, I know that God loves them more than any of us ever could, and He has the perfect plan for them.

So, now we move on to seeking what God has in store for our family next.

Wondering, Waiting, Listening

God has put some children on my heart that I feel are to be my children, the next to join our family. Unfortunately, we are not at the top of the list for taking these beautiful kids in, as we do not meet all the criteria the decision makers are wanting for a family for these children.

I know that if this is what God has for our family, if these children are to be mine, He can change the hearts and minds of these decision makers.

In the meantime, I pray for them, wondering what will come of this situation; waiting to see God's hand at work once again, listening for what He has for me in this.

The outcome, no matter which way it goes, is in His hands.

Entry for December 17, 2008 - "Quit Trying to Figure It Out"

I met with my lay counselor again the next morning. A few days before this meeting, out youth pastor and his wife spoke at church. This was their last day. They spoke again of a crisis of faith and hope deferred. In summary, our youth pastor's wife spoke of how the last few years of their lives God had put her through an olive press. She illustrated how like an olive in the press that you squeeze to get only a little bit of oil, God had been "squeezing" her. It takes pressing many olives to get the olive oil, and it had taken many years for God to bring about the "olive oil" of her life, so to speak. The pressing and squeezing can be very painful. They were now seeing the fulfilling of God promises and visions in their lives. I remember sitting in the back of the church silently weeping. This is where I was in my life in the situation I was in. I felt like God was squeezing me and squeezing me, but there was so little coming out, and I did not know where He was taking me next. My heart was breaking all over again.

This time when I met with my lay counselor, I shared this with her, and that I felt maybe God wanted something from me, instead of having something for me. As I was getting ready to leave her house that morning, she said that she had a word for me from God. She said maybe God wanted me to quit trying to figure it out.

I laughed, and she responded that this must have struck a cord with me. I confirmed that it did. I had spent the last several weeks trying to figure out what I could have done differently, how the situation could have been avoided, and on and on. God wanted me to quit doing that, to just rest in Him.

So, for the first time in two months, I returned home with a sense of peace I had not felt before. Every time I started trying to figure it out, I would stop myself, give it back to God, and make a conscious, yet difficult, effort to move on. Three days later, the day before Mother's Day, I was at finally at peace.

I awoke that morning feeling like I could finally move on in my life. I still did not know what God had meant by wait, but I could finally rest in His peace, knowing that He had all the answers, and I could still trust Him with my life and my broken heart. I was ready to pack away the baby things and start my life anew, so to speak.

And then the call came unexpectedly. On the other end of the line was a voice I had not heard for two months. "Can you come get him? I can't do this." I could go into all the details of what happened next, the trip to her home to pick him up, the conversations that pursued, but it all ended with the answer to what God meant when he said to wait.

It was the day before Mother's Day, and I had my baby boy in my arms at last. He was almost two months old, but ironically it was the week of his due date. She signed the papers four days later, and it was done.

God fulfilled His promise in this, at just the moment He had always intended to fulfill it. And He had done some work in me that has left me forever changed in my faith and how I see things, and how I hear from Him.

We had a few more ups and downs in our relationship with birthmom before we were able to get to a place of reconciliation, but at this point that relationship has been healed in ways I could not have imagined. I can only give credit for that to God.

In the end, He did what He said, not in the way I expected, but in the way He needed to for me to grow. I could not have written this chapter in my life so well.

Don't we serve an awesome God?