Approaching a New Year

As 2013 is coming to a close, and 2014 is just around the corner, I take time once again to reflect on the past year, what God has done and brought me through, and look forward with anticipation in the coming year.  I do not make New Year's resolutions, because I believe we can have a fresh start at any time and resolve to change something at any time, not just as a new year approaches.  For the last few years, though, I have prayed and sought the word God has for myself and my family for the coming newly beginning year.

Last year, I think the word God had for us was healing.  This wasn't crystal clear to me at the time, I didn't ask God what His word for us was then, but that is the place we were in at the time (right smack in the middle, as a matter of fact!), and that is where we most definitely have gone.  This past year has brought about an intense new level of healing not only for myself, but for my family a well.  As I have finally faced, walked through, and healed from some ugliness in my own past, I have watched my marriage become stronger.  I have learned my husband will be there, will protect and defend me, and help me walk through the painful "stuff," even when he has to listen to me process it over and over again (i.e., talk about it repeatedly).  I have learned that, even while he doesn't always verbalize it and can often have strange ways of showing it, he's got my back.  Here's to our 14th new year together!

Even more amazing over this past year, I have seen how my own coming forth with my struggles and my weaknesses, how my talking about it and being open and real about it, has brought my children, especially my two daughters, into a new place of healing of their own.  Through seeing that Mama struggles not only with her past, but with broken relationships, insecurities, and fears as well, my daughters have come to a place where they, too, have been able to be more open in sharing, healing and growing.  I have seen amazing changes and amazing maturity in them just these past few months.  It has not been easy.  There have been struggles, anger, arguments, and poor choices leading to mistakes with big consequences, but through it, they have learned and changed.  Through it, we have learned how to communicate more effectively.  My daughters are two of my closest friends.  I love talking with them, spending time with them, just being silly with them.  And, I love being real with them.

This past year has also brought fresh starts to our family.  This has been so important to our continued healing and growth as a family.  A physical fresh start in a new home was God's very real and physical way of opening the doors for us to have this much-needed, real way to continue to experience that growth and healing.  We were able to leave behind much of what we needed to break free from on several levels, and have a new focus and a new outlook on our lives that has began to steer us in the right direction for our lives as a family once again.

As 2014 approaches (it really looks strange seeing that, knowing it is only days away!), I have once again prayed, asking God to show me His word for our family this year, the word that reflects the journey He will be taking us on.  This year, I get simply this:  BLESSING.  He is showing me areas I need to change in myself, and in my family, to live our lives to the fullest, and to experience His level of blessing in the ways He wants us to.  Many of these are areas I need to continue to heal, trust, and surrender.  Which really brings us full circle to the title of this blog:  Surrender and Blessings.  I am looking forward to seeing what He does in the coming year.  I have not blogged here much in several months, as I needed to break away from it for a time and focus on where He was leading us, but I hope to be able to do much more of that as this new year approaches.

Forgiveness and Healings

As my family has been going through a time of healing, I have prayed about what to do with this blog.  After my last serious post and the attacks I received in comments (which I did not publish, it is my choice after all), and after all the efforts we have made to try to regain some semblance of privacy and safety for ourselves and our children, I have seriously thought and prayed about what to do with this blog.  I have considered shutting it down and starting a new one that certain family members and former friends do not know the web address for.

I have decided not to do this.  I started this blog a few years back to share what God is doing in my life, to share how we have seen His blessings come to pass in our lives as we have surrendered more of our desires and plans to Him.  It has been a place of vulnerability and healing for me, as well as a place of sharing.  This is MY blog, and I have absolutely nothing to hide.  Those who believe otherwise are entitled to their beliefs.  It's a free world, you can believe whatever you choose to believe about me and my husband and children.  Honestly, it's not really any of my concern, and it does not affect our lives in any way.

Here is what I have learned, and continue to learn, and what has been reaffirmed in my life.  I need to forgive.  I have done so.  The deep hurt and woundedness that not only I have experienced at the hands of others, but my children as well, have been forgiven.  We are healing and we are moving on.  But forgiveness does not mean that I have to let poisonous people into my life, or my children's.  Forgiveness means I am willing to let God continue to change my heart and work in me, and it means that I will let Him be my avenger.  It does not mean that all is as it was before.  Forgiveness means we can still set boundaries.

We are okay, all of us, and we will continue to be okay.  God has opened doors and made ways for us to have a fresh start, to move forward in what He has for our family.  He has orchestrated our healing and taken the broken pieces of our lives, and rebuilt them into something new.  Those who have hurt us and have intended harm for us no longer have any hold on our lives.  I will continue to speak truth, and I will continue to share the incredible blessings God has for our family.  I will continue to share my life and what He is doing.  I will continue to share my struggles and what He is teaching me in them.

This is my blog, and I have a choice to continue to share what I choose to share.  You also have a choice.  If you do not like what I write, if you do not like what my husband and I stand for, if you do not agree with what I say, you have a choice to not read my blog.  If you do read it, you have a choice to respond with whatever words you choose, whether they be words of encouragement or words of condemnation.  You can even try to stir trouble with others whom this blog has nothing to do with and attack my personal friendships with others whom you do not like.  But, again, I also have a choice.  I will choose to not post your comments, and I will choose to not respond.  I you are reading this and you have done this in the recent past, you know who you are.  You have no power over me or my children.

I choose to walk forward in forgiveness, peace, openness, truthfulness, and joy in the blessings He has given us.  I choose life.

(Somewhat Humorous) Thoughts on College Life at Age 40.

I was a college dropout.  17 years ago, I attended a full three semesters at MSU Bozeman.  Then I quit.  It just wasn't what I wanted at the time.  I had no interest in a college degree and was unsure what I wanted for a career.  I was 23 at the time, having gone into the work force right after high school graduation.

Fast forward to last summer.  The tiny thought of earning my degree entered my mind.  At first I ignored it.  Then I slowly started toying with it.  Problem is, the more I played with it, the bigger it grew.

This is crazy, I kept telling myself.  I work a full-time job that I already received training for (medical transcription training through an online program).  I have a young child.  I home school my teenager.  A colleague and I are trying to start a nonprofit.  How the heck do I have time to pursue a degree? 

So I asked my husband his thoughts.  I figured, if he thought it was a crazy idea, then it was and I would promptly push it away.  You can imagine my surprise - and trepidation - when he said go for it!  Okay, I had his support, so I couldn't use that as an excuse anymore.

I asked my teenage daughter, who would have to help more with the housework and her little brother, what she thought.  She got excited and voiced her full support.  Okay, another excuse out the window. 

I started looking at schools and degrees.  One particular school and program really caught my interest.  What I wanted to do with the degree started to unfold for me.  So I asked a therapist we knew who has worked with our family over the years.  Her response?  Go for it, come see me when you are ready, we have a need for it and I will help you get started.  Okay, she didn't think I was totally nuts, so there went that excuse. 

So, I prayed a bit more, applied at this school and for financial aid, and got accepted.  I started three months sooner than I anticipated.  Boom!  Less than two months from initial thoughts to reality! 

It's been a fun, exciting, and challenging journey.  Some things I've learned about college at age 40 versus my early 20's:

1.  My brain has to work a little harder to retain information.  Memorizing used to be easy-peasy for me.  Now my busy, tired, overworked brain has to work a little harder.  Sometimes it's even painful.  :D 

2.  House cleaning?  Cooking?  What are those?  Fortunately, my husband has been doing most of the cooking for quite some time now.  My awesome daughter does a fair share of the household cleaning and chores, and my husband and I fill in the rest.  She offers to do a lot of it.  We have a chart breaking down the chores to just a few minutes a day, but sometimes even then we don't get it all done.  And guess what?  The world hasn't ended.  The house isn't filthy and unlivable, it just doesn't live up to my usual standards of cleanliness.  And it's okay!

3.  Finding the balance between concentrating on school work and making sure my 4-year-old stays out of trouble has been, well, let's just say I am still learning!  You know the saying - Silence is golden unless you have a toddler/preschooler.  And you are so focused on your homework you don't notice the silence, and the ensuing disaster. 

4.  I have found I have a completely different perspective on many things than I did 17 years ago.  Sometimes I'm not so sure that is a good thing… 

5.  I have discovered I get just as excited - or disappointed - with my grades as I did 17 years ago.  When I'm working my tail off, I like the reward of a good grade.  Keeps me motivated to keep going and keep working hard!  I didn't think it would matter so much to me now. 

6.  My school, Ashford University, does one class at a time in 5-week intervals.  I have realized how well that has worked out for my insanity.  It seems to be the perfect amount of time spent on schooling and enables me to keep the school/work/family/down time balance very well.  I didn't know when I first looked at this school that that is how their program worked.  I am so thankful that's what I ended up with!

Because I was able to transfer so many credits from MSU and from my medical transcription curriculum, after only 5 classes, I am already halfway to my degree.  And I am incredibly excited to attain something that just a year ago I had absolutely no interest in achieving.