In Blessing or Heartache

I don't share much about our struggles with infertility, mostly for two reasons. The first is because I get tired of the idiotic and hurtful comments people make about those who are struggling to get pregnant. Some mean well, some think they are being funny, but infertility is an incredibly painful and often extremely lonely place to be. The other reason is because I hate it when people think we adopted because of infertility. Adoption was always in our plan, and my children are not "second best" or a "second choice." It was something we knew we would do even before we were married. I this post, though, I am going to be open and vulnerable about the past week and one small sliver of this years'-long struggle.

This past week was a strange one. It's hard to put into words what is going through my heart and mind. I know some old "stuff" has been triggered by my having to deal with an ovarian cyst this week. While I was going through this, I realized, maybe for the first time, the emotional connection with what happens in our bodies.

I have struggled with infertility and reproductive health issues for many years. I have had to deal with this on many different levels at different points in my life. It's not something that ever goes away, but it does get better. It takes a lifetime of healing. And I could not have gotten to where I am in this area of my life without God and His work in my life. True healing began for me when He became all I truly needed.

That doesn't mean the pain doesn't still hit at times. That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. Infertility is a loss, one that must be grieved repeatedly. And like the grief from any loss, it sticks with you forever; even as the pain dulls, it still remains. And one in awhile it stabs into your soul, sharp and poignant, like a knife in an old wound.

We have adopted four children, not as a second choice (we always knew we would adopt, even before we started trying to get pregnant), and they have been such blessings in our lives! Our first three children were older when they became ours. That was not the route we thought we would go, but it is the path God had for us. We have never had second thought. Yet, the desire to raise a baby has always been so strong in my heart. After our Russian adoption, within months of us brining them home, actually, God placed our Filipino daughter on our hearts. It took us almost three more years to bring her home, and at that point, we no longer qualified for infant adoption through most agencies, as we had too many children in our home. Foster adoption has never been a route we felt we should pursue.

Therefore, I knew the only way we would ever have a baby was to become pregnant, or for someone to approach us via a private placement. That did happen four years ago, and what an incredible blessing this little boy has been! Yet, I have felt God isn't done yet. I feel, among the other children God has for us, there is one more little baby. Only He knows how and when this will come about. A year ago, we thought it was time again. Sadly, this did not work out, and this adoption loss was as real and poignant as the loss any parent experiences when they loose a child. Loss on top of loss...but God is divine and wonderful, and He brings healing and peace, in His time, and He and time cause the sharp pain to become a dull ache.

Last week, I developed another ovarian cyst. I have managed my endometriosis and cysts and other comorbid health issues fairly well over the last few years with alternative treatment modalities and dietary changes. I have not had problems serious enough to need to deal with them acutely for awhile. Last week, I did. As I was receiving acupuncture treatments and Mayan abdominal massage to help dissolve this cyst, the years of loss came over me. The frustration at my body not working the way it was designed in the first place, the pregnancies that never came to be or had the opportunity to grow, the failed adoption...as my body began to heal, my heart had to heal again, also.

Very few people know we are once again in the position of waiting to see if an adoption of an infant will happen. God has opened the door to another possibility, but nothing is definite. The uncertainty is enough to make me want to run in the opposite direction. I wonder why I am putting myself in this vulnerable position of being either incredibly blessed, or deeply wounded. But, God is still in control. He still has a plan. He has placed us on this path of deep loss for a reason. Whatever happens over the next couple of months, I pray that He will use me as a blessing in the life of this young mother and her family. I pray that on my journey down this road of heartache and physical pain, He will use me to touch the lives of others.

I choose to trust Him, whatever the road ahead may bring, blessing or heartache.

I'm Back!!

I have decided to make my blog accessible to all again. I have heard from some people who actually do read my blog, and I don't want to have to keep adding people to read it, or requiring them to log in to do so. I realize I am opening myself up to a level of vulnerability and judgment once again.

If you are reading this and you only do so to judge me, then know that it doesn't matter to me. If you don't like something I post on here, then simply stop reading it! What you think does not matter to me anyway. I do not make decisions for myself and my family based on what you think. And I don't care how you twist the things I say to your own liking. I am entitled to my feelings, my thoughts, and my beliefs, and those who really know me, my husband, and my children KNOW us, and they respect us and what any of us have to say. I started this blog to share what is happening in my life and what God is doing. You know who you are, and there is nothing you can do about it anyway. I am choosing to live my life in freedom, and you have no affect and no influence over my life whatsoever. Think what you want!

To the rest of you, I look forward to updating what is happening in our lives over the comning weeks and months. Thank you for following my blog!