Surrender...Again

When I started this blog a few years ago, I titled it what I did because I wanted to share what God was teaching me through surrender in my life. I wanted a platform to share what He was doing in my life. I have been able to do that, and now, three or four years later, He is bringing me full circle, right back to that place of surrender - surrender to Him and to His blessings.

Many know the struggle in my life the past two months in regards to a specific relationship and what has not worked out like we had hoped it would. I had to go into this particular situation in a place of surrender, knowing that I was taking a giant risk in opening myself up to the potential hurt this situation could bring. This relationship has lost some of its closeness the past few weeks, and I have been unsure how to move on, how to reconcile and restore, yet keep the appropriate boundaries in place. And in the meantime, I have clung to HOPE. My heart still wants all facets of the situation to work out, while at the same time I know I must figure out how to let go and move on.

We are also in the place in our family of surrendering our house, the home we spent so much blood, sweat, tears, and frustration building, then dedicating to God to use for His purposes. This was a decision that required a lot of prayer on both our parts, and one that brought great peace. Yet, as we began to sign the papers, as the "For Sale" sign went up in the front yard, and as the prospect of actually having to move has loomed closer, I have found myself not wanting to let go.

The third situation that has been heavy on my heart is in regards to our girls in Colombia. We have seen God open the doors to begin this process. One thing He made it clear to us we needed to do before we could begin the process was paying off some outstanding debt. We did not know how we would do this, but He has provided the means through our pending federal tax refund to pay off all the outstanding debts He showed us needed to be paid. Now, as we are able to begin moving forward to bring the girls home, I find myself in a place of fear. We saw Him provide what we needed for our last two international adoptions, so I know He who is the father of the fatherless, He who loves the orphans and brings them to a place where they are orphans no longer, will provide again, and His glory will be made known once again in the lives of the children He is bringing to us. But, even as I know this, I find myself almost paralyzed in fear. Some untrue and cruel words were spoken over me last summer by a family member that really attacked the most vulnerable areas of our lives - our parenting and our choice to adopt. I know these words have no power in my life, and I know who I am in Christ. I have had to speak His truth over an over again, out loud and silently, to release the hold of these words in my life. God has confirmed our call through various other people and other words spoken into our lives in Truth. Yet, these words keeps trying to take root in my heart. I hear them bouncing around in my mind, and I begin to fear, what I am not even sure. I am afraid to speak out our need and what God is doing, especially in regards to fundraising, because of what this one person said out of her own anger and hurt.

So, where am I going with all this? Last night, after everyone else had gone to bed, I went back downstairs in my house, into the peacefulness and darkness of my living room, where I can feel the presence of God so strongly in the quiet of night. I brought these three areas before Him, almost afraid to ask Him for anything. After all, I have been so blessed beyond measure! Who am I to expect even more from Him? I even uttered these very words to Him in that time of prayer. I did not really get any clear-cut answers from Him on any of these, but He did reveal to me a couple of truths.

He reminded me that He says of Him, "Ask it in My name." He reminded me of the time three years ago, while we waited for our precious Timothy, when He spoke to me very clearly and said, "Tell me what You want, and say it out loud." He reminded me that He does hear, and that He answers prayers, and that He has more in store for us than I could ever imagine!

But, He also reminded me of surrender. He reminded me that I cannot hold so tightly to what I want. He reminded me that, when my hands are clenched shut to keep something within my grasp, He cannot fill them with what He has in store for me.

He reminded me once again that His ways are not my ways, that He knows so much more than I do. He showed me that there are things I can do to try to keep some of these things in my life (for example, with the payoff of the debt mentioned above, we have discussed negotiating with the bank about working with us to keep our house after all). He even showed me I can speak my desires, the desires HE has put on my heart, out loud, and I can work towards them.

But, in the end, no matter what happens, I still need to be willing to give up control. I need to be willing to open my hands wide, lift them up to Him, and allow Him to take what he wants, leave what He chooses, and fill them with more - more than I ever thought possible.

That is what surrender is about - opening myself up wide for His incredible blessings.