When I started this blog a few years ago, I titled it what I did because I wanted to share what God was teaching me through surrender in my life. I wanted a platform to share what He was doing in my life. I have been able to do that, and now, three or four years later, He is bringing me full circle, right back to that place of surrender - surrender to Him and to His blessings.
Many know the struggle in my life the past two months in regards to a specific relationship and what has not worked out like we had hoped it would. I had to go into this particular situation in a place of surrender, knowing that I was taking a giant risk in opening myself up to the potential hurt this situation could bring. This relationship has lost some of its closeness the past few weeks, and I have been unsure how to move on, how to reconcile and restore, yet keep the appropriate boundaries in place. And in the meantime, I have clung to HOPE. My heart still wants all facets of the situation to work out, while at the same time I know I must figure out how to let go and move on.
We are also in the place in our family of surrendering our house, the home we spent so much blood, sweat, tears, and frustration building, then dedicating to God to use for His purposes. This was a decision that required a lot of prayer on both our parts, and one that brought great peace. Yet, as we began to sign the papers, as the "For Sale" sign went up in the front yard, and as the prospect of actually having to move has loomed closer, I have found myself not wanting to let go.
The third situation that has been heavy on my heart is in regards to our girls in Colombia. We have seen God open the doors to begin this process. One thing He made it clear to us we needed to do before we could begin the process was paying off some outstanding debt. We did not know how we would do this, but He has provided the means through our pending federal tax refund to pay off all the outstanding debts He showed us needed to be paid. Now, as we are able to begin moving forward to bring the girls home, I find myself in a place of fear. We saw Him provide what we needed for our last two international adoptions, so I know He who is the father of the fatherless, He who loves the orphans and brings them to a place where they are orphans no longer, will provide again, and His glory will be made known once again in the lives of the children He is bringing to us. But, even as I know this, I find myself almost paralyzed in fear. Some untrue and cruel words were spoken over me last summer by a family member that really attacked the most vulnerable areas of our lives - our parenting and our choice to adopt. I know these words have no power in my life, and I know who I am in Christ. I have had to speak His truth over an over again, out loud and silently, to release the hold of these words in my life. God has confirmed our call through various other people and other words spoken into our lives in Truth. Yet, these words keeps trying to take root in my heart. I hear them bouncing around in my mind, and I begin to fear, what I am not even sure. I am afraid to speak out our need and what God is doing, especially in regards to fundraising, because of what this one person said out of her own anger and hurt.
So, where am I going with all this? Last night, after everyone else had gone to bed, I went back downstairs in my house, into the peacefulness and darkness of my living room, where I can feel the presence of God so strongly in the quiet of night. I brought these three areas before Him, almost afraid to ask Him for anything. After all, I have been so blessed beyond measure! Who am I to expect even more from Him? I even uttered these very words to Him in that time of prayer. I did not really get any clear-cut answers from Him on any of these, but He did reveal to me a couple of truths.
He reminded me that He says of Him, "Ask it in My name." He reminded me of the time three years ago, while we waited for our precious Timothy, when He spoke to me very clearly and said, "Tell me what You want, and say it out loud." He reminded me that He does hear, and that He answers prayers, and that He has more in store for us than I could ever imagine!
But, He also reminded me of surrender. He reminded me that I cannot hold so tightly to what I want. He reminded me that, when my hands are clenched shut to keep something within my grasp, He cannot fill them with what He has in store for me.
He reminded me once again that His ways are not my ways, that He knows so much more than I do. He showed me that there are things I can do to try to keep some of these things in my life (for example, with the payoff of the debt mentioned above, we have discussed negotiating with the bank about working with us to keep our house after all). He even showed me I can speak my desires, the desires HE has put on my heart, out loud, and I can work towards them.
But, in the end, no matter what happens, I still need to be willing to give up control. I need to be willing to open my hands wide, lift them up to Him, and allow Him to take what he wants, leave what He chooses, and fill them with more - more than I ever thought possible.
That is what surrender is about - opening myself up wide for His incredible blessings.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
It Matters to Them
Many times, in this journey of international adoption and parenting internationally adopted kids, we are asked why. Why spend so much money for a single adoption of one or two kids, when you could give that same amount to an orphanage that could help so many more?
Don't get me wrong, this is not a post against orphanage ministries. I am totally in favor of giving to build and support orphanages. They are so desperately needed. Where would my children have gone if those children's homes had not been there when they needed them? Who would have cared for them during the time they were not yet able to be adopted, but their birth families could not?
I believe we are all called to serve and minister to the orphans, but not all of us in the same way. Some are called to go as missionaries, some to work in those orphanages. Some are called to give money, to build and run and staff the homes. Some are called to adopt, and still others to support those who do so financially and in prayer. Some are called to foster care. There are so many ways to be involved with orphan ministry!
And the orphanages are desperately needed. The majority of children in many of our world's orphanages are not eligible for adoption for various reasons, still others never have the opportunity. But, there are those who God has chosen to place in families. So, who does it matter to when families called to adoption chose to raise and spend thousands of dollars on an adoption?
In my own home, it matters.
It matters to Katiana.
It matters to Alex.
It matters to Jenalyn.
It matters to Kelly and Ana Maria, our waiting daughters.
Ask any of my children if, given a choice, they would have chosen the orphanage over an opportunity to have a FAMILY! Ask any of the thousands and thousands of children in an orphanage anywhere, or in foster care here in our own country, which they would chose.
I have a key chain that holds the key to my office. It says this:
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
We cannot save them all, but we can save the ones God has called us to, the ones he has put on our hearts. Think about it - so many children, so many faceless and nameless orphans, and a mere three we have currently been blessed to call our own, two more God has put on our hearts. Five children out of thousands.
Have we made a difference? Does it matter?
Don't get me wrong, this is not a post against orphanage ministries. I am totally in favor of giving to build and support orphanages. They are so desperately needed. Where would my children have gone if those children's homes had not been there when they needed them? Who would have cared for them during the time they were not yet able to be adopted, but their birth families could not?
I believe we are all called to serve and minister to the orphans, but not all of us in the same way. Some are called to go as missionaries, some to work in those orphanages. Some are called to give money, to build and run and staff the homes. Some are called to adopt, and still others to support those who do so financially and in prayer. Some are called to foster care. There are so many ways to be involved with orphan ministry!
And the orphanages are desperately needed. The majority of children in many of our world's orphanages are not eligible for adoption for various reasons, still others never have the opportunity. But, there are those who God has chosen to place in families. So, who does it matter to when families called to adoption chose to raise and spend thousands of dollars on an adoption?
In my own home, it matters.
It matters to Katiana.
It matters to Alex.
It matters to Jenalyn.
It matters to Kelly and Ana Maria, our waiting daughters.
Ask any of my children if, given a choice, they would have chosen the orphanage over an opportunity to have a FAMILY! Ask any of the thousands and thousands of children in an orphanage anywhere, or in foster care here in our own country, which they would chose.
I have a key chain that holds the key to my office. It says this:
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
We cannot save them all, but we can save the ones God has called us to, the ones he has put on our hearts. Think about it - so many children, so many faceless and nameless orphans, and a mere three we have currently been blessed to call our own, two more God has put on our hearts. Five children out of thousands.
Have we made a difference? Does it matter?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
When God Takes Something From Your Hands
Almost 4-1/2 years ago, we broke ground to begin building our home. We worked on it after a regular day at work, on weekends, and on holidays. It took us 13 months to complete the process. We moved in November 2007 and for the first time in four years, were able to bring everything from storage and unpack it.
Unfortunately, just as we were finishing the house, the market began to take a slight downward turn. In the last one to two years it has bottomed out. What this means is we have never been able to get the financing we wanted originally, and we have had to work more in order to keep up with the monthly payments.
In recent weeks, we have begun to realize this was not what we wanted. We never planned to simply work for our house. We have become more and more aware of the ways we would rather be spending our time - Civil Air Patrol, the nonprofit maternity home I am helping to set up, and for me, simply being able to be a mom. Even though I do work from home, it is still work and still time I have to devote to work. I want to be able to be present as much as possible for my kids, both the ones currently in my home and the ones we know God is still bringing to us.
So, we have begun to pray about ways we can cut expenses, things we can do to be able to work less (meaning only Dave's regular job without the paper route we have been doing, and me being able to continue to work part-time). This would also enable us to pay off some debt we want to be rid of, and to pursue the things God has put on our hearts. This has been a difficult process for us, one that has entailed letting go and even giving up on our dreams. So, we have prayed about and made some difficult decisions regarding this house we worked so hard for. It has been bittersweet, but with it has come great peace.
And then, within hours and days of the decision, we have received confirmation from different sources and people. I received a text message twice in one week with this quote (words not exact, but you'll get my meaning). "When God takes something from our hands...he is opening them up to receive something better." Dave received the following "On this day God wants you to know..." message on Facebook (an application we both use:
"On this day God wants you to know...that beginnings are only possible where there are endings. Clear acknowledged endings are as necessary to intelligible life, as pauses between notes to intelligible music. Although endings sometimes feel like the end of you, take them for what they really are - the end of a stage in your life. Here is to new beginnings!"
Finally, a couple of days ago we received this from an acquaintance. This is somebody who knows us, but not well enough to know our hearts in regard to family and adoption. Her words made us laugh and cry. It was more confirmation for not only the recent decisions we have made, but our hearts for adoption, as well. And, in light of the critical words spoken to me by a family member this past summer, they were also the encouragement I desperately needed.
"The picture I see is massive! It is like a "Family Reunion" type of picture. It starts small, like a very tight zoom on just Laura & Dave. Then it increases to you & Dave are at the center with the kids all around you. There are 10 kids that are creating a circle around you. The zoom button is hit again & you see even more. Behind each of the kids is a group that represents their biological families, some small, some very large!. (This is where it looks kinda weird). Laura & Dave have arms that grow. First they go around each other, just the two of you. While still holding each other, then they go around each kid, individually & then as a group. Without letting go of anyone, then they bend & twist to go all the way around the back of the families like you are giving a big group hug to encompass all of them. It is a picture of your influence on these people, some you don't even know, as well as the ones you directly affect - the kids.
Then the it is like I am zooming out further & over the top of you all is this shining cloud with big muscular arms that are coming out of it going directly into Laura & Dave so that your arms can do what they do. Then it is like there are lots of other arms, all different lengths & levels of strength, coming out of the sides of the cloud that are holding all of you on a plane that is increasing in size as each one comes into the gates of your plane. There is no fence with the gate, just two posts that have a sign that reads "Furniss Love Arena"
The # of kids is what I was questioning God about, because I know there aren't 10 right now, but he repeatedly gave me 10. When I asked God for revelation to the vision, I got the picture of the water drop hitting the water & creating the circles of influence in the shape of a heart. I believe it is a circle created from the love the two of you have for each other going out to affect those you don't even know you are affecting. Your sphere of influence is ever increasing and growing, even when you don't realize it. The cloud of course represents God & his arms of love that are extending down to you and then out from you. His arms are like a big muscle builders arms, very strong & He is giving you that strength as you do what He has called you to do. The arms coming out of the sides of the cloud are those who are supporting you in prayer, helping to hold up God's work in you. There are arms you don't recognize as well as ones you know well.
That is what I have seen. I pray it gives confirmation or is confirmed in your hearts & lives!"
So, with renewed faith, with renewed energy, with renewed vision, we start out on a new adventure in 2011. We are excited to continue to see what God is doing in our lives.
And, for those of you who don't understand this strong desire we have to adopt, take a look at this video:
Unfortunately, just as we were finishing the house, the market began to take a slight downward turn. In the last one to two years it has bottomed out. What this means is we have never been able to get the financing we wanted originally, and we have had to work more in order to keep up with the monthly payments.
In recent weeks, we have begun to realize this was not what we wanted. We never planned to simply work for our house. We have become more and more aware of the ways we would rather be spending our time - Civil Air Patrol, the nonprofit maternity home I am helping to set up, and for me, simply being able to be a mom. Even though I do work from home, it is still work and still time I have to devote to work. I want to be able to be present as much as possible for my kids, both the ones currently in my home and the ones we know God is still bringing to us.
So, we have begun to pray about ways we can cut expenses, things we can do to be able to work less (meaning only Dave's regular job without the paper route we have been doing, and me being able to continue to work part-time). This would also enable us to pay off some debt we want to be rid of, and to pursue the things God has put on our hearts. This has been a difficult process for us, one that has entailed letting go and even giving up on our dreams. So, we have prayed about and made some difficult decisions regarding this house we worked so hard for. It has been bittersweet, but with it has come great peace.
And then, within hours and days of the decision, we have received confirmation from different sources and people. I received a text message twice in one week with this quote (words not exact, but you'll get my meaning). "When God takes something from our hands...he is opening them up to receive something better." Dave received the following "On this day God wants you to know..." message on Facebook (an application we both use:
"On this day God wants you to know...that beginnings are only possible where there are endings. Clear acknowledged endings are as necessary to intelligible life, as pauses between notes to intelligible music. Although endings sometimes feel like the end of you, take them for what they really are - the end of a stage in your life. Here is to new beginnings!"
Finally, a couple of days ago we received this from an acquaintance. This is somebody who knows us, but not well enough to know our hearts in regard to family and adoption. Her words made us laugh and cry. It was more confirmation for not only the recent decisions we have made, but our hearts for adoption, as well. And, in light of the critical words spoken to me by a family member this past summer, they were also the encouragement I desperately needed.
"The picture I see is massive! It is like a "Family Reunion" type of picture. It starts small, like a very tight zoom on just Laura & Dave. Then it increases to you & Dave are at the center with the kids all around you. There are 10 kids that are creating a circle around you. The zoom button is hit again & you see even more. Behind each of the kids is a group that represents their biological families, some small, some very large!. (This is where it looks kinda weird). Laura & Dave have arms that grow. First they go around each other, just the two of you. While still holding each other, then they go around each kid, individually & then as a group. Without letting go of anyone, then they bend & twist to go all the way around the back of the families like you are giving a big group hug to encompass all of them. It is a picture of your influence on these people, some you don't even know, as well as the ones you directly affect - the kids.
Then the it is like I am zooming out further & over the top of you all is this shining cloud with big muscular arms that are coming out of it going directly into Laura & Dave so that your arms can do what they do. Then it is like there are lots of other arms, all different lengths & levels of strength, coming out of the sides of the cloud that are holding all of you on a plane that is increasing in size as each one comes into the gates of your plane. There is no fence with the gate, just two posts that have a sign that reads "Furniss Love Arena"
The # of kids is what I was questioning God about, because I know there aren't 10 right now, but he repeatedly gave me 10. When I asked God for revelation to the vision, I got the picture of the water drop hitting the water & creating the circles of influence in the shape of a heart. I believe it is a circle created from the love the two of you have for each other going out to affect those you don't even know you are affecting. Your sphere of influence is ever increasing and growing, even when you don't realize it. The cloud of course represents God & his arms of love that are extending down to you and then out from you. His arms are like a big muscle builders arms, very strong & He is giving you that strength as you do what He has called you to do. The arms coming out of the sides of the cloud are those who are supporting you in prayer, helping to hold up God's work in you. There are arms you don't recognize as well as ones you know well.
That is what I have seen. I pray it gives confirmation or is confirmed in your hearts & lives!"
So, with renewed faith, with renewed energy, with renewed vision, we start out on a new adventure in 2011. We are excited to continue to see what God is doing in our lives.
And, for those of you who don't understand this strong desire we have to adopt, take a look at this video:
Hope is Fading from Allan Rosenow on Vimeo.
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