Seasons of Life

We go through different seasons of life. Friends change, relationships change. And sometimes, that old stuff that you think you have worked through pops back up.

It's been a hard weekend. Finding out my brother was arrested in connection with an alleged casino robbery was hard enough, not to mention completely shocking. But, then, to come under criticism from another family member over how I responded...No, I have not had a relationship with him for the past several years, although I have tried. It's hard to have a relationship with somebody who doesn't want one with you, especially when there are so many perceived hurts and misunderstandings, so many lies. But, he is still my brother, and I still care about him very much. I have never stopped praying for him, have never treated him any differently than I ever have. The only thing I have done differently is set some boundaries in the beginning, when my first two kids came home, to protect them. This was over five years ago, and since then the boundaries I originally set have not been an issue. My kids love him, have as much of a relationship as can be expected with someone they do not see often.

However, now I have come under criticism for setting those boundaries in the first place, because maybe there was more I could have done in this relationship, and maybe it was perceived as rejection. I feel I have done what I can, and I feel like my children, rightfully, come before my relationships with my siblings, however that may have been perceived in the past. We felt we did what we needed to at the time as parents. We had to set some boundaries in the beginning, until the kids were in a place where they could understand. Too many factors - different culture, language, the isolation of living in orphanages in other countries - played into that decision, and we didn't want them to be afraid of something we could not explain at first. Not an issue anymore, but suddenly, after all this time, somebody has made it one.

Add to that last week's events, and coming under attack for acknowledging that it was my brother in custody and in the news. This was not a judgment or admission of guilt or anything on my part, but I feel as if it has been perceived that way. I feel as if I came under criticism for seeking prayer and support from my friends, that I am not allowed to talk about it or share anything about it. Unfair, irrational, and just plain mean!

The final straw, it seems, are the feelings of criticism from a friend - about my house, how I run my household, how I parent my kids, how I'm too "psychological" when I talk about my kids and this just doesn't seem normal to this person. Ugh, I just can't seem to win! We are just in very different places right now, and in my efforts to try to be understood, the opposite has happened. This person just cannot understand this perspective, and seems to think I am the only person in the world who sees things from this "psychological" perspective. Never mind that that has been my reality with my children, children who have come from backgrounds of abuse, neglect, extreme poverty, as it has been with many other families we know. When it is outside the realm of somebody else's understanding, there is not much that can be done to make them understand, so human nature is to run to the people who do.

I guess all this is just a summary of where I am at right now. I feel misunderstood, disrespected, and not taken seriously. I feel vulnerable and a little lost. Thank God that He understands all, knows all, loves all, accepts all! I know He is still my Source, my Strength, my Understanding, my Peace. I can take my doubts in the midst of these criticisms to Him. I can ask Him to show me where I have been wrong. I know He will show me the areas I need to repent of. And I also know he will show me where I am blameless.

I will not take offense, and I will not take others' offense towards me personally. As long as I am walking in God's will, He will be my Defender and I will be blameless in His eyes.